To The Guy Selling Candy Outside Wholesale Liquidators Who Threatened To Kick My Ass

I’m sorry I had to push you away, but it should be noted that you were the one who initiated the physical contact. Your attempt to shake my hand went beyond the parameters of personal comfort and civility. I feared at that moment the force of your body might send mine to the ground. Instinct took over and I retaliated.

I apologize sincerely if my reaction caused any serious harm or injury that resulted in your inability to peddle Fruit Roll-Ups on the Lower East Side. Next time we meet, however, you would be wise not to extend your hand so far into my airspace. I assure you, I took Tae Kwan Do in the third grade and I sort of remember at least one deadly combo move.

While I have the attention of the homeless / crazy / drug-addicted community, please note that children under five generally do not carry any money. Hence, you should not waste your time addressing them in your quest for humanity’s pocket change. It’s an embarrassment to both parties.

Thank you for your time. God bless.