Corey Feldman Has Issues (With Michael Jackson)

So I’m reading this interview with Corey Feldman where he talks a little bit about his recently revealed molestation, and the interviewer brings up the obvious:

You were friends, famously, with Michael Jackson. Are you worried that people will assume he did this to you?”

Feldman responds saying it wasn’t Michael, but that he and the King of Pop have their own “issues.” I guess Corey is still pissed MJ left he ass stranded in New York after 9/11.

Oh, did you all forget about that? Verily: in the hours (days?) immediately following the terrorist attacks, Michael Jackson is said to have sent special help to pals Marlon Brando and Liz Taylor so they could (ahem) escape from New York. I recall this “special help” being private helicopters, but the blurb I just read recounting this story claimed the mode of transportation was limousines.

Anyway, Jackson ferried Brando and Taylor out of the Big Apple but left his pal Feldman all alone in the danger zone. What Corey Feldman was doing in NYC in September of 2001 is anybody’s guess (conspiracy!), but ever since Jacko’s rescue snub, the singer’s been all but dead to the former Goonies star. Feldman even released a song dissing the Gloved One a few years ago called “Megalo-Man” (I heard that shit once and I can assure you it’s more ridiculous than anything KISS recorded post-makeup).

I guess this feud is going to continue until Michael Jackson apologizes, but if I were Corey I wouldn’t hold my breath. If Mike’s not sorry for inviting young boys to sleep in his bed (even after two separate charges of child molestation), I don’t think he gives a shit about leaving the star of Dream A Little Dream in New York after 9/11. I mean, that’s literally one of those life-or-death, who-do-you-save? situations. If Marlon Brando, Liz Taylor, and Corey Feldman were drowning and there were only two life preservers, I bet you nine out of ten people would be like, “Corey who?”

Personally, if I were Michael Jackson, I would take Feldman over Brando or Taylor, mainly because he’s younger and probably strong enough to help build a fallout shelter. Lord knows I wouldn’t want to soil my silk shirt and matching surgical mask lifting pieces of lumber or pouring cement. Leave that to peons like Feldman and Macaulay Culkin. Now that would be the way to go—rounding up former child stars in post-apocalyptic New York City to help build a celebrity fallout shelter. There’s a reality show that should have happened.

Wait, can we pause for a minute here and reflect upon the fact that, in this bizarre disaster film-type scenario, Michael Jackson did the normal thing? He rescued his two most famous friends. Jesus, Michael Jackson did something normal. That just goes to show you how fucked up things were in this country around 9/12.

But I digress. Don’t be sad, Corey Feldman. I promise during the next major American disaster, I will personally hire a limo to get you to safety. That’s an official JG2 promise to you. Thanks again for all your great work. I still like you alright, even if Wil Wheaton says you were an absolute nightmare on the set of Stand By Me.