Bigfoot Corpse A Big Fat Phony

Matthew Whitton and Ricky Dyer, the two Georgia men who shocked the world last week when they claimed to have the body of an actual Bigfoot, have admitted the entire thing was a cruel, stupid hoax. That thing in their freezer that looked like a shitty Harry & the Hendersons costume covered in bear guts was just a shitty Harry & the Hendersons costume covered in bear guts. Congrats, guys. For five seconds, you pwnd every single person on Earth.

The details are a tad convoluted, so I’ll give you the basic rundown: that guy with the salt and pepper goatee at Friday’s press conference, Bigfoot “expert” Tom Biscardi, was lying his ass off when he told the media he had examined the body. Tom Biscardi hadn’t seen shit. Rather, Bigfoot radio show host Steve Kulls examined the body—over twenty-four hours after the press conference. He reached into the freezer, felt Rickmat’s foot, and realized that shit was rubber. Kulls called Biscardi and told him what was up. Tommy Boy called Whitton and Dyer, the pair admitted Rickmat was a big fat lie, and the trio made plans to meet up at Whitton and Dyer’s California hotel room. Of course, by the time Biscardi showed up to said hotel, the sly Georgia boys had already vanished.

Kulls announced all this on his show Monday night, Squatchdetective Radio. For a complete transcript (accompanied with great stinging commentary), check out Oregonbigfoot.com. You know, if anything good came out of this mind-blowing waste of time, it clued me in to some really thorough and reputable Sasquatch-related websites. Oregonbigfoot.com is by far the best, especially when it comes to this ridiculous-ass Rickmat story. Props to reporter Autumn Williams.

So, the question now is will these two bumpkins be prosecuted for their cryptid-related crime? Supposedly they got $50k in advance from a private investor—that’s some pretty big fraud action right there. Still, Clifford Irving got way more than that out of McGraw-Hill in 1971 when he presented his fake Howard Hughes autobiography, and he only served about sixteen or seventeen months in prison. So my guess is if Whitton and Dyer are tried and convicted, whatever they’re sentenced to won’t even be worth talking about.

At least we can savor the fact these clowns will be viewed as complete assholes for the rest of their natural lives by anyone with a shred of decency in their bodies. Matt Whitton may even lose his job as a Clayton County police officer because of Rickmat. That’s how this whole stupid thing came about—Whitton was on sick leave when he concocted the Bigfoot body hoax, having been shot in the wrist while attempting to apprehend a criminal in July. Not surprisingly, that story is also full of dubious, conflicting details (don’t worry, it’s covered on Oregonbigfoot.com). Anyway, last I heard, ol’ Matty boy was this close to getting canned harder than Oscar the Grouch.

As a lifelong Bigfoot follower, this entire Rickmat affair really brings me down. It’s only going to make life harder for the people legitimately trying to prove there might be some large, smelly, unknown entity lurking in our American forests. And what if I see a Bigfoot sometime before I die? All my friends and family will tease me, making relentless frostless freezer jokes while I cower in fear every time I hear a weird noise in the middle of the night.

God damn. Like I needed another reason to hate Georgia.

Well, at least this story finally put an end to collective Dark Knight conversation the world had been having since Heath Ledger’s death.