Blogger Busted By Bloated Billionaire Buttmunch!
Well, now we know what Axl was talking about in “I.R.S.” And I quote:
Gonna call the president, gonna call myself a private eye / gonna need the I.R.S., gonna get the F.B.I. / gonna make this a federal case, gonna win it right down in your face!”
Yesterday, Antiquiet blogger Kevin “Skwerl” Cogill was arrested by F.B.I. agents for alleged violation of federal copyright laws. You see, Cogill is the guy who posted nine very legit-sounding tracks on Antiquiet back in June that were supposedly culled from the long-awaited sixth Guns n’ Roses album Chinese Democracy. The Feds visited Kevin shortly after the songs were posted and he freely admitted to his quote-unquote crime. Why they waited until yesterday to drag him in is anyone’s guess. My theory is Axl Rose is crazy and he ordered the F.B.I. not to move until August because of some lame astrological bullshit.
How long has Axl been in the game now? Three decades? Shouldn’t he be used to people bootlegging his shit? He’s only been working on one of the most anticipated rock albums in history for the past thirteen years. Like everyone isn’t trying to get a piece of that. Calm down, Axl. People are gonna be all up in your Kool-Aid until Chinese Democracy comes out. What’s up with calling Johnny Law anyway? That’s not very rock n’ roll. Stop taking your Scott Weiland-related rage out on poor, defenseless bloggers.
How much you wanna bet the arresting officers are huge old school GNR fans who were like, “Yeah, let’s bag this fucker for Axl!”? How much you wanna bet part of the F.B.I. entrance exam is knowing all the lyrics to “Rocket Queen?” How much you wanna bet I downloaded those nine Chinese Democracy tracks back in June and wrote an epic blog entry about them?
While we’re on the subject of the biggest waste of money since Leonard Part 6, if Chinese Democracy doesn’t come out this year, I think America should file a class action lawsuit against Axl for blocking the distribution of free soft drinks. I want my Dr Pepper, god dammit.