Let’s Have A War

I’m always wondering how I can generate more traffic to this awesome blog of mine and gain JG2Land a solid, steady readership outside the twenty friends I have on Facebook. If Byron Crawford has taught me anything, it’s that a few good celebrity feuds are a great way to make a name for yourself on the Internet. So I think I’ll pick fights right now with the following notable individuals in the hopes it garners a nice solid boost in the daily numbers here:

Alton Brown – Phil Hartman’s estate should sue the hell out of you for stealing his “Anal Retentive Chef” character. It shouldn’t take anyone longer than thirty minutes to make a pancake. Forget this two day trek you send people on. Get outta here with that, AL-ton.

Reel Big Fish – OMFG, you guys are still around? And you’re putting out another covers record? Didn’t you get the memo that quirky, super-polished joke ska went out with N’SYNC and “Shasta McNasty?” Christ on a cracker. The singer still has those rockabilly sideburns. You’d better hurry up and get those back to Slim Jim Phantom. I heard he’s lookin’ for ’em.

Jimmy Fallon – Don’t think you’re not on my shit list. You stole a potential job from me. I shall laugh heartily when NBC replaces you with the skinny wimp from “30 Rock.”

Bushwick Bill – Dude, I just moved to the Bushwick section of Brooklyn and I NEVER see you around here. Stop frontin’.

DJ Jazzy Jeff – You must have been too busy counting Will Smith’s money to answer the e-mail I sent you five years ago. Well, I hope you’re ready, ’cause it’s on now.

Jennifer Aniston – Ger over it, bitch.

The Pope – See above.

I eagerly anticipate all y’alls responses.

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