Unsold TV Pilots

I checked this awesome book out of the library last year called Unsold TV Pilots by Lee Goldberg. It’s a little encyclopedia of television shows that networks killed after producing their pilot episodes (most never even aired). I don’t mind sharing with you now some of the more hilarious entries from this book (I’m paraphrasing Mr. Goldberg below, of course, and adding some of my own thoughts):

“Dracula” (NBC, 1979) – When not teaching history at a night school in San Francisco, Dracula looks for love around town and a “cure” for his vampirism. Spun off from segments featured on a weekly serial called “Cliffhangers.” Michael Nouri of Flashdance fame played Dracula. Intended to be an hour-long drama. All plausible except for the “cure” part. Who would want to cure immortality? Well, I guess if all the rampant killing on account of your psycho bloodlust really bothered you…

“905-WILD” (NBC, 1975) – Mark Harmon and Albert Popwell were set to star as L.A. Animal Control officers, capturing the wild skunks and rowdy seals that disrupt people’s lives in southern California. Those quick to dub this show “‘CHiPs’ with animals” should realize this pilot predates Erik Estrada’s money train by two years.

“Shooting Stars” (ABC, 1983) – Two actors fired from a TV detective show attempt real-life detective work in this two hour pilot movie. The two actors playing the two actors in question? Billy Dee Williams and Parker Stevenson. That’s right; Lando Calrissian and one of the Hardy Boys. You know who else was going to be on this show? Efrem Zimbalist, Jr. Holy fucking shit.

“Weekend Nun” (ABC, 1972) – The adventures of a nun/probation officer. Apparently based on a real person.

“Captain Ahab” (CBS, 1965) – Two female cousins inherit their rich uncle’s talking parrot, Captain Ahab, and for some reason they must live with it. Obviously a sitcom. Jaye P. Morgan played one of the cousins.

“13 Thirteenth Avenue” (CBS, 1983) – A young Wil Wheaton and his widower dad move into a NY apartment building populated by monsters, including a werewolf C.P.A. and a troll landlord. Another sitcom. Clive Revill, the original voice of the Emperor in The Empire Strikes Back, played the resident psychiatrist. I actually e-mailed Wil about this chunk of his acting history once; he has yet to reply.

“Freeman” (ABC, 1976) – White family buys mansion haunted by black ghost. Neither party leaves; hilarity ensues. Paul Mooney worked on this show. This seems like a throwaway gag in one of the Scary Movie movies.

“I ain’t leavin’, honky!”

“Well, we’re certainly not leaving, either!”

“Well then, yo’ white asses better get used to The BLACK PHANTOM! BOOOOO!!!!”

[canned laughter]

There are actually three versions of Unsold TV Pilots floating around out there – the original (subtitled The Greatest Shows You Never Saw), a “1955-1976” edition, and a “1977-1985” edition. I know this because when I originally posted this entry on my Myspace blog, Lee Goldberg himself left a comment there pimping his extra TV Pilot tomes. Whaddya, sit around GOOGLIN’ yerself all day, Lee?

I’m just teasin’. I was glad Lee left me a comment. What I want to know is where the hell Unsold TV Pilots Vol. 4 is, covering the past twenty-two years of shitty programming nobody wanted to air. Guess that motherfucker’s too busy writing “Monk” novels to get down on that. Tony Shalhoub, FTW!!

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