“Speak Of This Not.”

So read the last line of the note on my friend Damon’s doorstep when he came home one evening in the early-to-mid 2000s. A female friend of his had stopped by earlier in the hopes he would be around; this friend, you see, desperately had to go to the bathroom. Why she couldn’t go to her own home or at least the nearest available public bathroom is beyond me. Whatever the case, she arrived at Damon’s house and frantically rang the doorbell / pounded on the door to no avail.

Realizing that Damon wasn’t home but still overcome by the call of nature, this girl broke her way into his abode and made a beeline for the toilet. ‘Twas quite a forceful evacuation on her part. In fact, this girl’s release was so intense that it manage to completely cripple Damon’s toilet. The way I remember Damon telling this story, his throne was beyond repair and in such a state he doubted it could have been the work of one human posterior.

Such a situation would be embarrassing for anyone, especially a member of the fairer gender. Yet, can extreme toilet desecration be absolved with a simple handwritten apology? Furthermore, can one truly expect the victim of a bowel-related B&E to “speak of this not,” particularly if their John has been reduced to a non-functioning slab of wet porcelain? By signing that note “Speak of this not,” that girl was pretty much ensuring Damon would speak of it forever.

And that’s just what happened. Damon told this story to anyone who would listen. In fact, he ended up writing a song about it for the band he was in at the time; before they played “Speak Of This Not” at every gig, Damon told the tale of the crazy girl who busted in his house and “done broke” his “terlet.”

I guess the moral of this story is if you break into someone’s house and fuck up their toilet, at least have the courtesy to wait around for them to get home so you can cut them a check or something.

By the way, the name of Damon’s band was the F-Pipes. I don’t think they exist anymore. You can hear some of their stuff on this Myspace page, including “The Madator” (a song about trying to fuck your own butt) and “Slick Leg” (a song about how inmates like to get their jollies). Alas, “Speak Of This Not” does not appear on this Myspace page. I’m not sure they ever recorded it.