Freelance Writer Experiences First Rejection

Brooklyn-based writer James Greene, Jr. was shocked to learn today that ten story ideas he pitched last month to Свекла, Siberia’s number one satirical news outlet, have all been rejected for being “impossibly, ridiculously, and sickeningly American.” It marks the first time anything has ever gone wrong in the young author’s life.

“I’m really at a loss for words,” Greene, 30, said in an interview conducted this morning on the steps of his million dollar brownstone apartment. “I mean, I’ve had so much success before this. I’ve never had to deal with this kind of rejection – or any kind of rejection, really. I just wonder now who’s going to pay the cleaning bill for this fancy fur coat I’m wearing. All these lobster stains are starting to really smell.”

For their part, the staff of Свекла had little to say. “We think James Greene is a talented writer,” read a brief statement on the paper’s website. “Unfortunately, he is a bourgeoisie Western pig whose opulent, lobster-based lifestyle we do not want associated with our publication. Plus, he looks really fucking stupid in all those fur coats.”

Greene has considered legal action, but claims he has more pressing matters on his agenda.

“Polo season is right around the corner, and I’ve really let myself go. I need to stop slacking so I don’t become the laughing stock of the professional circuit,” he said while keeping a monocled eye on his telegraphic stock printing machine. “I do say, Amalgamated Phosphates has taken quite the nosedive.”

Here now are the ten ideas of Greene’s that Свекла passed on:

Area Man Swears He Once Saw Movie Where Kevin Bacon Voiced Talking Salad – “Despite any discernible evidence that such a film exists, an area man is convinced he once saw a movie on late night television in which Kevin Bacon provided the voice for a talking Cobb salad. When pressed for details, the individual in question admitted he may be confusing Kevin Bacon with Patrick Swayze.”

Sixties Still Greatest Time To Be Alive, Say Hippies – “A recent poll suggests that 95% of hippies and flower children still believe the greatest time to be alive was the 1960s; meanwhile, a similar percentage of bitter punk rockers claim the Sixties were ‘complete bullshit, man.'”

Civil War Re-Enactors Losing Ground To Spanish-American, WWI Re-Enactors – “As the popularity of Spanish-American War and World War I re-enactments increases among teenagers, Civil War re-enactors are facing a very real war over the young fans of fake military skirmishes that keep them in business. ‘Yo, Gettysburg is mad corny, son!’ says Dwayne Rogers, 14, of Bangor, PA. ‘It’s all about William Randolph Hearst and the sinking of the Maine this year, kid!'”

Ghost Of Mickey Mantle Too Drunk To Haunt Anyone – “Paranormal investigators in the New York area were stumped regarding the area’s lack of Mickey Mantle hauntings until they heard from other spirits that the ghost of #7 was too soused to carry out his chain-rattling and wood-knocking duties at the bars he used to frequent. The Mick’s imbibing has particularly irked the ghost of Billy Martin, who feels he’s had to pick up the ectoplasmic slack in Mantle’s absence.”

ALF Magazine Unveils Extensive Photo Archive – “ALF Fanatic, the magazine devoted entirely to the wise-cracking alien puppet of 1980s sitcom fame, has put its vast image archive online for public use. The collection offers many unique and never-before-seen photos of ALF, including shots of the furry star dressed as Carmen Miranda and a series detailing the puppet’s presence at the 1987 Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.”

Warner Brothers Announces Remake Of Tannheimer Home Movies – “Warner Brothers Studios announced today plans to bring the home movies of Humble, TX’s Tannheimer family to the big screen. ‘We think there’s a tremendous story to tell here,’ said an unnamed exec of the movies, which mostly center around Christmas morning 1988 and the clan’s acquisition of an above ground pool the following summer. Michael Bay has signed on to direct.”

Santa Disliked Kids, Says Former Lover – “As the world mourns the loss of Santa Claus from an AIDS-related death, a former lover of St. Nick’s has stepped forward with shocking details about mankind’s symbol of hope and love. ‘Santa never really cared for children,’ revealed Jasmine Ophelia in an interview with Playboy this week. ‘He got roped into the whole toy thing by his dad…his real passion was playing the harp.'”

Hamburglar Turns Life Around, Forms Gospel Band – “For years, he wore a mask and a cape and stole foodstuffs from an unsuspecting clown. Nowadays, the Hamburglar is a born again Christian who admits he was ‘in a bad way’ all those decades ago and spreads the word of God via his tambourine. His ultimate hope, though, is that Ronald and pals one day forgive him.”

Iggy Pop Died Fifteen Years Ago, Scientists Claim – “A group of scientists at MIT proposed a startling new theory this week that suggests rebel rocker Iggy Pop died fifteen years ago and that his corpse has been involved in a prolonged Weekend At Bernie’s-type situation. ‘It’s one of those things that’s both sad and funny at the same time,’ commented Pop collaborator and friend David Bowie.”

Citibank Hits Employees Up For A Few Bucks – Desperate for a hot cup of coffee and a donut, failing banking giant Citigroup begged its remaining employees Wednesday morning for ‘a dollar’ or whatever they could spare. ‘I haven’t had a decent meal in weeks,’ the company said. ‘You know I’m good for it, c’mon! I’m a working guy just like you. I’m just going through a rough patch right now.'”

James Greene, Jr. currently divides his professional time between Cat Anus Monthly and The Pepperidge Farm Report. He won a Charles Rocket Award last year for a piece entitled “Pauly Shore: What Went Wrong.”

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