Bizarre Soft Drinks I Have Recently Encountered: Mountain Dew Voltage

WHAT IT IS: The blue raspberry flavored winner of last year’s DEWmocracy competition, a fair and balanced attempt to decide the latest unnecessary spin-off of Pepsi’s once proud hillbilly elixir.

WHERE IT WAS DISCOVERED: Food Dimensions, the awesome grocery store where I do my general shopping here in Brooklyn.

WHO MAKES IT: Pepsi. They’re a soft drink company. Perhaps you’ve heard of them.

HOW IT TASTES: Like every blue raspberry flavored product you’ve ever had.

DISTINGUISHING CHARACTERISTICS: An electric blue color, a handful of ginseng, and no more caffeine than any other Dew concoction.

NOTES: I remember sampling the other two DEWmocracy contenders, the equally “American Gladiator”-sounding Supernova (strawberry) and Revolution (wild berry), along with Voltage last year. There really wasn’t that much difference between the three. All were berry-centric, tasted like hard candy, and vaguely resembled industrial cleaning fluid. I anticipated a tight race for Dew supremacy. This was not to be. Early voting returns spelled out a clear, concise victory for Voltage:

Dark blue = Voltage; Light blue = Revolution (one state short of a New England stranglehold!); Wild pink = Supernova; Dark gray = people more concerned with the war and our tanking economy than some bullshit soft drink race.

If I had to conjecture as to why Voltage won DEWmocracy, I’d guess it’s because the American people still ascribe some kind of exotic quality to blue raspberry flavoring. It’s like the girl you knew growing up who never wore deodorant or a bra. It’s not frighteningly alien, but it is something odd enough to arouse bemused interest and/or outright excitement.

Who knows? Maybe it was the name. Supernova is a little too cosmic for some people. Revolution can be scary. Voltage? That usually means loud music. AC/DC, rock n’ roll, whatever. EXTREME voltage, bro. Rock out, air guitar. Big trucks, headlights, boobs, hunting…what are things the average Mountain Dew drinker is into? What are Mountain Dew drinker stereotypes? I’m so bad at this game.