Socks Clinton: 1989-2009


Socks Clinton, the black and white American Shorthair who occupied the White House during the most skirt-chasin’-est Administration since that of Calvin Coolidge, died yesterday after a prolonged battle with throat cancer. He was 19 in human years.

Socks was by all accounts a good kitty. He always ate his num nums and never went poo poo on the rug. Buddy, the late chocolate lab Bill Clinton adopted in 1997 in a futile attempt to distract the nation from the amount of sloppy blowjobs he was getting in the Oval Office, once remarked about Socks, “Despite his stereotypical asshole cat behavior, I can’t help but like the son of a bitch”

The ultimate testament to the ubiquitous popularity of Socks Clinton is the fact he starred in his own video game, 1993’s completed-but-never-released Socks The Cat Rocks The Hill for Super Nintendo. To anyone’s knowledge, this is the only instance of a White House pet appearing in its own 16 bit side scroller (although it should be noted Amy Carter’s cat, Misty Malarky Ying Yang, did have her own psychic friends network in the late ’80s).

After leaving the White House in 2001, Socks lived a quiet and peaceful existence with former Clinton secretary Bettie Curie and her husband in Hollywood, Maryland. Friends close to the cat say he often spoke of mounting a comeback, but would generally be distracted by a piece of yarn or flashlight beam before any serious planning could be done.

Upon learning of his furry friend’s demise, Bill Clinton joked, “I can’t wait to be reunited with Socks the next time I order sesame chicken at Mr. Fung’s Choy Palace.” The former president then slapped his knee and laughed uproariously for ten to fifteen minutes.

No one had Socks Clinton in the death pool. That’s because he was a fucking cat.

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