Sad Facts

– My quest to confirm/locate/obtain New Coke in any given form remains a Rhode Island-sized fail. I recently lost the only eBay auction I’ve seen for a can of the stuff in the past year. I’m beginning to seriously regret not booking tickets to Micronesia last summer when I had the dough for it.

– Speaking of quests, I went all the way to Newtown, CT, last weekend to look for Animal House writer Doug Kenney’s grave in the freezing cold. I couldn’t find the shit. Later, I remembered reading once that ol’ Doug may have been cremated. The Internet offers conflicting information regarding this National Lampoon staple’s final resting place. Well, how am I s’pposed to pay my final respects now, ya MO-RON? If I ran a cemetery, I’d either alphabetize all my graves or offer maps for first time visitors. That would have people a helluva lotta time.

– Speaking of incredulity, some guy tried to start a fight with me today as I was exiting the subway because I didn’t back off when he put his handbag down in the middle of the turnstile lane I had just entered. “What, now I’m supposed to move?” he stuttered angrily before calling me a “fucking asshole.” I would have stomped this foul cretin into the ground, but I didn’t want to mess my hair up (plus I’m a bigger wuss than David Guest).

– According to this book I’m reading about Superman’s various media incarnations over the years, some time in the 1950s they filmed a black and white version of “Superman” for television where all the actors wore giant dog heads. I believe Clark Kent’s canine name was Bark Kent. This isn’t the sad part; the sad part is this incredible footage has never seen the light of day and probably never will. Greatest tragedy since the failure of “Golden Palace?” You bet.

– Pamela Anderson’s nipple is imploding (if you haven’t seen the horrifying picture I’m referencing here, make sure your Internet connection is working – I swear to God that’s shit’s on every website today). It’s a shame, because her face is still moderately attractive in that melted-down Barbie doll kind of way.

– I might soon be under the employ of the man with America’s craziest mullet.

– I shaved the other day for the first time in about a month and noticed I now have a rather prominent double chin.

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