Bizzare Soft Drinks I Have Recently Encountered: Drank

WHAT IT IS: Corporate America’s latest attempt to co-opt black youth culture. Those crazy rappers love the extreme calm they feel when they mix their drugs into generic purple cough syrup—why shouldn’t children and housewives across the country be allowed to experience the closest legal approximation? Utilizing melatonin, valerian root, and rose hips, Drank will zone little Timmy and Suzie out just like their diamond-grilled hero Lil’ Jon!

WHERE IT WAS DISCOVERED: Not in Fort Lee, NJ. I managed to snag a can while on vacation in Central Florida. To see if Drank is available in your area, look at this not-entirely-accurate map.

WHO MAKES IT: The Innovative Beverage Group out of Houston, TX. What a name, huh? About one step away from the Really Awesome And Super Cool Beverage Group.

HOW IT TASTES: Like carbonated bubble gum mixed with dry ice.

DISTINGUISHING CHARACTERISTICS: For starters, Drank is an “anti-energy” drink, bucking the popular adrenaline-pumping trend started by brands like Jolt, Rockstar, and Monster. Translation: you’re buying a carbonated herbal tea here. Then there’s the official Drank slogan – “Slow your roll.” I heard they bought it dirt cheap at one of Dr. Dre’s garage sales. They also picked up Eazy E’s Compton hat and the distribution rights to Above The Rim.

NOTES: Drank succeeded in slowing my basic jittery and cynical roll, but it did not provide the hazy cocoon of warmth and love I was anticipating. Instead, it just made me feel like I was overdosing on Sudafed. This had to be the ground level of whatever euphoric malaise Three 6 Mafia made famous in their “Sippin’ On Some Syrup” song; on top of that, the “high” only lasted about twenty minutes. The disappointment was as bright and undeniable as the crisp candy taste.

Come on, Suits, I know you can do better than this. Drop some morphine in that Drank, for the love of Young Jeezy. I wanna get laid out already.