Bizarre Magazine Makes Me Wanna Smoke Crack

For several reasons:

– I wrote short piece for their April ’09 issue about the world’s largest popcorn ball, which is in Sac City, Iowa; not only did they rewrite the entire thing from start to finish, they e-mailed me the new version with the ballsy claim that nothing had been altered but a “smidge of history”

– After demanding my name be removed from the piece, Bizarre even edited the pen name I gave them; Stanky Ditzler became “Stank Ditzler”

– The music editor asked for an interview with the Upper Crust, whose new record was scheduled to come out that month; once the interview was completed, said editor revealed that there was no space left and this piece wouldn’t run for three months; after three months, I inquired and was told the piece came in too late

– When they mailed me a free copy of the April ’09 issue, my name and Brooklyn were both spelled wrong on the package

– Numerous attempts to direct deposit my payment for the popcorn story I didn’t write* allegedly failed because I provided an incorrect bank account number, despite the fact I’ve had the same number since I was fifteen and could recite it to you in my sleep

– Payment arrived today, and of course, it’s in a form that requires a four-to-six week waiting period before it can be transformed into American money (Bizarre is a U.K. publication)

– They didn’t use any of the naked photos I sent in of myself

* All parties agreed I was due compensation for the large amount of research conducted RE: popcorn ball; I went to great lengths to procure a child-free photograph of said monstrosity, which took far longer than expected and resulted in at least one angry exchange with a Sac City, Iowa public official.