Ernie Anastos Demands Continued Fornication With Barnyard Fowl

Ladies and gentlemen, we officially have 2009’s hottest catchphrase, courtesy of FOX 5 newscaster Ernie Anastos. Please, America, whatever happens from here on out, promise me one thing—you’ll keep fucking that chicken.

I desperately want to believe “keep fucking that chicken” is something Ernie Anastos regularly says when he’s stuck for closure in a conversation. How amazing would that be? It’s the Hiroshima of non sequiturs.

“Hey Sally, did you lose weight? Way to go! Keep fucking that chicken!”

“I heard about the layoff, Bob. Don’t worry, things will turn around. You just keep fucking that chicken.”

“The AIDS test came back negative? Awesome! Keep fucking that chicken!”

Sadly, the poultry-related joke Ernie cracks seconds before his atomic F-bomb leads me to believe the weather guy was actually doing something crazy with a chicken during his segment. This means Ernie was just being a gross, awkward weirdo. Still, he managed to burp up the funniest string of words I’ve heard all month, and for that I salute him.

I joke a lot about tattoos, but I seriously might have to get “keep fucking that chicken” written across my stomach Tupac-style.

America, I love you. Let’s crawl out of this recession and do what we do best. Let’s keep fucking that chicken. Let’s keep fucking that chicken until the break of dawn, until we’re so sweaty and exhausted all we can do is fall backwards into a sharp pile of hay and sleep for two weeks straight.

U.S.A! U.S.A! U.S.A! U.S.A!

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