Shocking Nicholas Cage Superman Test Photo Not Safe For Human Eyes

The image below is probably faker than Dolly Parton’s gazongas; even so, it’s a horrifying visual reminder of what humanity almost endured.

By now, everyone and their sister knows Tim Burton nearly directed a Superman movie in the late nineties starring Nicholas Cage in the titular role. Supposedly it was typical Hollywood b.s. that killed the thing—skyrocketing budget, script concerns, etc.—but I remember reading somewhere that the test shots they took of Nic Cage in the revamped Superman costume were so appalling that Warner Brothers lost all hope. Just sucked all the wind outta their sails, seeing lunky Nic Cage all gussied up as Supes.

Well, this photo popped up online yesterday, allegedly from those infamous test shots, and it is rightfully awful. Nic looks like a young Gene Simmons stoned out of his gourd. I wouldn’t trust that Kryptonian to pump my gas, let alone save my life. Would they really have let Superman fly around with a shaggy mane like that? Ga-ROSS.

And yet, as wretched as this looks, part of me wishes this movie had come to fruition. I’d pay ten bucks to watch that Superman try to fight Brainiac on top of Mount Rushmore or whatever. Chris Rock as Jimmy Olsen, at least. I’m sure that would have been something.

“Uh, I hope this hasn’t made you, uh, not want to fly or whatever. It’s still hella safe…to do that. You got any Cheetos?”