Bill Paxton Pinball Wizard Fires Shots At Bruce Campbell

It came to my attention last week that some huge tech wiener is working on a custom Bill Paxton pinball machine. Somewhere, Bill Pullman is shedding a single tear as he stands atop a mountain and stares into the sunset, wondering where it all went wrong.

In explaining his decision to dedicate an entire pinball machine to the asshole car salesman from True Lies, creator Ben Heck said, “I guess I could have gone with a more obvious geek choice, like Bruce Campbell, but to be honest, Paxton’s more interesting and has made movies people have actually seen.” [Emphasis added]

OH SNAP!! Take that, Bruce Campbell! Get off your high horse of cult horror stardom and join us in the REAL WORLD, where Bill Paxton has bested you! How does it feel? How does it feel to be made a chump by a guy building a pinball machine? It’s gotta STING, motherfucker!

On the other hand, Bruce Campbell was in all three Spider-Man movies. As far as early aught franchises go, that’s probably the biggest. An entire generation of kids now has Bruce C. in their memory banks. He’ll live forever thanks the Web Crawler. What’s Paxton’s biggest junk, Apollo 13? Given the opportunity, I’m sure every human under the age of ten right now would rather watch Spider-Man than Forest Gump Goes To Space With Two Other Ineffectual White Guys. Just sayin’.

By the way, Ben Heck unleashed his Bruce Campbell diss back in August. As far as I know, I’m the first journalist to draw attention to it. JG2, always on the cutting edge! Up next: what Tootie really thought about her co-stars on “The Facts Of Life!”