Halloween Costumes For 2009

1. Cut out a picture of Farrah Fawcett’s head from a magazine and tape it to your knees. Next, go to Kinko’s and have them blow up a photo of Michael Jackson’s head as large as they possibly can. Affix the Michael Jackson head to the upper part of your body and you will have the perfect outfit that demonstrates how MJ’s death completely overshadowed that of Charlie’s favorite Angel.

2. Put on water skis. Glue a copy of any given season of “The Office” to your chest. Leave the house and delight when fellow trick-or-treaters recognize you as “Beloved Yuppie TV Show Jumping The Shark.”

3. Drape yourself in an old white bed sheet. Cut out eye holes. Put on horn-rimmed glasses over the eye holes. Emit as sarcastic and dissatisfied a stance as you can. You have become the ghost of David Cross’s career.

4. Purchase the smallest Ed Hardy shirt that can fit over your torso. Get extremely drunk, attempt to put the shirt on, and crawl on top of a riding lawnmower whilst a Marlboro Red dangles unlit from your lips. Congratulations—you’re Jon Gosselin’s kids in fifteen years.

5. Open your closet. Find the Sarah Palin costume you wore last year. Put it on. Spend all night telling people you’re supposed to be Tina Fey. When the clock strikes midnight, get up on the nearest chair, scream, “I fooled you by going rogue, gosh darn it!”, and start pelting people with books.

6. Purchase the most abrasive neon shit you can find at the Salvation Army. Put it all on at once and then pay your sister to blog for you. Ta-da! You’re Perez Hilton.

7. Crazy glue a table cloth to your face. Now you’re ready to go out as Lady GaGa.

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