Symphony Of Dental Destruction

My latest offering at Crawdaddy! is a reminiscence about the time I got my jaw smashed at a hardcore punk show…at a church. Here’s a snippet:

Being the first major injury I sustained in the absence of my parents, I had no idea what to do concerning treatment. Should I go to the emergency room immediately to try and get painkillers, or should I just tough it out like a goddamn man until the next day to go to the dentist? Remembering what a licensed physician once told me about Florida hospitals shortly after arriving in the Sunshine State (‘If you ever have serious medical trouble, fly to Atlanta!’), I decided to deal with this calamity overnight until a specialist could be sought. I got home and ingested the maximum amount of Tylenol I knew the human body could handle (eight, right? I think it’s eight). Sleep did not come easy; I spent most of the night staring into the blackness, cursing my stupid decision to attend an event that featured a ska band.

“Dental technology has come a long way since man first realized the sun is the center of our solar system; frustratingly, the tooth epoxy most commonly used by dentists in 1996 was not strong enough to effectively caulk the chips in my teeth. The confidence I felt leaving Dr. Smiley Fart (not his real name) evaporated two hours later when I bit into a tuna sandwich and felt my repair work break off into the mayonnaise. Subsequent visits yielded no success. Unless I wanted my front teeth filed down, I’d have to live with this cosmetic deformity. Fine, fine. I’d get used to it. But I couldn’t ignore the damaged nerve endings in my mouth. For a long time, anything firmer or colder than a Pringle would turn me into a frothing, howling beast. The good doctor shrugged when I spoke of this torture and suggested, ‘Sensodyne?’ in a lazy, what-are-you-expecting-from-me-here? kind of tone.”

A truly painful tail that references Thoreau, “Leave It To Beaver,” and shriners on motorcycles. Read the whole shebang here.

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3 responses to “Symphony Of Dental Destruction”

  1. Buzzardbilly says :

    If you knew how many blogs I’ve done on my dental woes! When the tooth hurts really bad, rub it down with Sensodyne and it will lessen the pain some. If your nerve is exposed the doctor won’t know it until they drill in there. Up until then, it doesn’t matter how clearly you explain that it feels as if you’re stuck in a loop of the dentist scene from “Marathon Man” all day long. They’ll just think you’re looking for more pills because no amount of pills will touch the pain of an exposed nerve.

    A root canal is a piece of cake compared to an exposed nerve. Go to a dentist to get a referral to a real endontist to do the root canal and get a cap. Sure, it’ll need some resetting from time to time, but it will not hurt like it did and it’ll look like a whole tooth.

    Do not listen to them when they suggest you enter the ring of Hell known as the dental implant (where they remove your tooth, let you heal a while, put a screw fitting in your jawbone, let it heal a while, then top it off by screwing a fake tooth into your jawbone.

    I wish I could evolve to be like a shark and have endless rows of replacement teeth at the ready whenever one comes out. I ask for it every Christmas. I guess I’m on Santa’s shit list.

  2. Buzzardbilly says :

    Wait? Crawdaddy is still around! I loved that mag.

  3. jamesgreenejr says :

    Thank you for your sympathy, Buzzardbilly. Sorry to hear of your own dental woes.

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