Spring Break On The Planet Of The Apes

And other fantastic ideas I have concocted for Planet Of The Apes sequels.

SPRING BREAK ON THE PLANET OF THE APES

A group of undergrads from Appalachian State accidentally enter a black hole on their way to Panama City in early April. Suddenly, they find themselves under the oppressive thumb of the ape regime. While trying to figure out a way to escape and send Benny’s PT Cruiser back through the dimensional portal, our plucky heroes manage to broker peace with a band of sympathetic simians by teaching them how to do keg stands.

CHRISTMAS ON THE PLANET OF THE APES

While traveling through the Forbidden Zone one day, a young ape discovers a partially melted Santa Claus lawn ornament that spurns an interest in the centuries-old human holiday known as “Kris Mace.” The ape attempts to revive the spirit of Noel amongst his peoples despite opposition from the elders and a serious lack of candy canes. Further questions are raised when Dr. Zaius reveals the current ape religion is actually based on Judaism.

WACKY SHIRT WEDNESDAY ON THE PLANET OF THE APES

The High Council attempts to liven up the drudgery of ape life by loosening the dress code one day of the week. The newfound freedom naturally leads to complete anarchy as the lower class apes cannot control their base urges when confronted with Hawaiian print and tuxedo t-shirts.

THE BRIDGES OF THE PLANET OF THE APES

General Ursus takes a day off from waging war on behalf of the ape state to revel in his true passion: covered bridges. While traveling through the scenic Ape Planet countryside, he meets a demure housewife whom he instantly falls in love with and later ravages sexually in a hot, steamy shower.

LUNCH BREAK ON THE PLANET OF THE APES

There’s only one restaurant on the Planet of the Apes, and all the apes hate it. One particularly bad lunch date forces Cornelius to open his own jerk chicken establishment. At first, it’s a smashing success, but problems arise when he discovers just where his poultry is coming from.

DANCE PARTY ON THE PLANET OF THE APES

Ninety minutes of those crazy apes gettin’ down to a loud techno beat. The proceedings are only broken up when the chimp dj slips on “Moon River” as a joke. He is executed for this misstep and replaced with Dr. Zaius.

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