An Open Letter To Ed Helms And Jason Sudeikis

Guys,

Maybe I’m being over-critical or just plain bitchy here, but right now i just honestly feel like the only difference between you two is Ed’s glasses. Like, really, do we need the both of you? Look at yourselves. Your acts are interchangeable.

AWKWARD WHITE GUY ALERT! AWKWARD WHITE GUY BEING AWKWARD! LAUGHING NERVOUSLY THROUGH A TIGHT SMILE!

You guys are the comedy equivalent of the guitarists from Thin Lizzy. You know how the guitarists from Thin Lizzy would always play the same exact leads at the same exact time? That’s what you guys are doing. In comedy. And it’s freaking me (and probably a few other people) out.

If you switched places tomorrow, no one would notice until mid-July. This isn’t a case where one of you is off-brand of the other. This is no Phillip Seymour Hoffman pinch-hitting for Jack Black in Along Came Polly. This is like Agent Smith from The Matrix. Are there more of you? Is the government cloning Helmses and Sudeikises?

At least Zach Galifianakis has a beard. At least Bill Hader occasionally whips out a Yoda impression. At least Will Forte looks like a career child molester. At least John Krasinski has an idiotic haircut. At least Seth Rogan looks like a magical tree stump that came to life. At least Jonah Hill is morbidly obese. See, these people all overcame their handicap of impossibly bland whiteness with thrilling aplomb. What have you two done to separate yourselves from the pack? Nothing. Abso-fucking-lutely nothing.

If there was just one of you, that would be okay, but there’s two of you. Two guys doing the exact same generic “lame frat bro” / guy-who-doesn’t-have-a-thing thing. You’re unnecessarily overlapping one another and comedy in general. With Jason occupying “Saturday Night Live” and “The Cleveland Show” and Ed laying groundwork on “The Office,” it’s like some kind of uncomfortable WWII Axis thing is forming. Is that guy from “Parks & Recreation” going to eventually become Japan to your Germany / Italy? Are you going to attempt to annex Jimmy Kimmel? You’re becoming mad with power, Helmsdeikis (yes, that is your new name).

Please, for the sake of my sanity, one of you needs to start wearing an eye patch or dressing in footsie pajamas or speaking exclusively in Creole. There must be some delineation. Even those twins from “G.I. Joe” had scars on the opposite cheeks (OMG, that’s totally who you guys should be for Halloween this year). You’re dragging this country to an insane place, and we’re not going to stand for it.

Sincerely,

James Greene, Jr.

P.S. – You’re SOOO lucky the world didn’t implode when the both of you appeared in Semi-Pro. Don’t even THINK about trying any shit like that again, or I’ll somehow relegate all your work to Mike Myers movies.