Even More Unsolicited Film Mini-Reviews From Beyond The Varkon Galaxy

1941: Spielberg’s big comedy bomb from 1979 about life on the California coast immediately following the Pearl Harbor attack. Disjointed and broad, yes, but also very funny in places. Don’t go in expecting Dr. Strangelove and you’ll probably have a lot of fun. Also, the music here is the best John Williams ever produced.

2012: Cliché-ridden disaster epic that culminates in some goofy boat nonsense. John Cuask has never worked harder for a paycheck. You will become intimately familiar with the back of your skull from all the eye-rolling if you watch this one until the bitter end.

Hot Tub Time Machine: I hate the phrase “it is what it is,” but this comedy is a great example of those five words. Complaining about the one or two plot holes/character flaws seems irrelevant because, you know, the movie’s called Hot Tub Time Machine. It brings the LULZ, so who cares about the science or attention to detail? Still, it’s hard to swallow some of the Crispin Glover stuff. He didn’t recognize these guys twenty years later or whatever?

Shutter Island: Lea-NAHD-oh D and MAHK RA-f’lo play Masshole feds investigating an escaped mental patient in Scorsese’s latest effort. Despite a thin, predictable story, Marty keeps you enthralled and wondering just how things will play out until the final frame. One of the first flicks I’ve seen where the CGI integrates seamlessly with the real three-dimensional junk. Way to go, old dog.

The Dream Team: Dennis Boutsikaris sports a pretty impressive beard in this ’89 flick. It’s almost as good as the one Matt McCoy wore in The Hand That Rocks The Cradle four years later. I’d love to see a live beard-off between those two (my money’s on McCoy should that ever happen). Anyway, The Dream Team finds Michael Keaton, Christopher Lloyd, Peter Boyle, and Stephen Furst hamming it up ’80s-style as escaped mental patients in New York City (Shutter Island would have been ten times better had Leo & Mark been chasing these four goofballs). Light-hearted yuks perfect for a rainy Tuesday afternoon.

Sex Drive: Seth Green’s finest acting work. Plot? Horny kids drive a zillion miles to try and have sex with the blonde assistant from “30 Rock” only to realize A) life isn’t entirely about the slizz and B) people on the Internet aren’t always what they appear to be. Funny enough not to shut off once you get rolling, but seriously, the Fallout Boy cameo was pushing it. Dropped a whole letter grade in my book because of that scene’s implausibility/stupidity/easiness.

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