Unsolicited Mini-Reviews Of Records That Came Out A Long-Ass Time Ago

Last Rites For Genocide / M.I.A.

Famed 1981 split between New Jersey’s Genocide (atypical metalli-Jerz hardcore slime) and Alt Tentacle’s M.I.A. (skate thrash with enough pop sense to stun Tony Hawk). The edge has to go to M.I.A. here because they’re A) in tune B) in time and C) far less horny. Still, I’m not gonna front like I wouldn’t blast Genocide while barreling down the Garden State Parkway in search of cheap thrills and toxic waste.

Tank – Filth Hounds of Hades

Algy Ward from the Damned was in this poor man’s answer to Motörhead. Filth Hounds came out in ’82, and it fuckin’ sounds like it. You couldn’t get the Brit metal stink off this one with eight pounds of tomato paste. Pretty good if you wanna pretend like you’re in a biker bar on the edge of London during the heyday of “Fawlty Towers.” The only honestly excellent track here is “Turn Your Head Around,” which, for all we know, was actually ghostwritten by Lemmy. No harm, no foul.

Anal Babes – Delirium or Diarrhea

The guy from Turbonegro’s other band. This one dropped in Norway in ’94, making it a key player in the Scandihooligan rock n’ roll revival of oh so long ago that utterly failed in its attempts to sail across the pond. Delirium is thinly produced and boasts one too many covers, but overall it’s a sneering, snot-laced, unforgiving good time. The bile on display in “Shoot The Hostages” and “People Are Garbage” makes up for all that goofy Village People crap Turbonegro tried to give us a few years later. I also dig the Anal Babes’ overdriven rendition of “Not Of This Earth.” Can’t go wrong with the Angry Samoans.

Rosemary’s Babies – Talking To The Dead

Originally released in 1983 as Blood Lust, reissued in 2004 with extra stuff. Proof Lodi, NJ, had at least one great band outside the Misfits. The fourteen seconds that make up “What I Hate” (“IHATEWORK! IHATESCHOOL! IHATERELIGION! IHATERULES!”) are an orgasm of punk transcendence. Brutal speed eventually gives way to twisted creeping as singer J.R. sells the deranged sociopath angle with a truly perverse amount of glee (see “Sounds of Death,” “Let’s Molest”). Very interested to know in which abandoned mausoleum they recorded this gem. Next time I’m across the river, I’ll have to pay my respects.

Maggot Sandwich – Dead To My World

Super amateur early ’80s hardcore from Florida. Feel like I saw a picture of Maggot Sandwich wearing Zoobas once. Did Zoobas exist in the early ’80s? If they did, these guys were probably wearing them only semi-ironically. Ah, I tease. These guys border on cacophony, but doesn’t nearly all classic punk?

Würm – Feast

Remember that tambourine-heavy, vaguely glammish metal album Chuck Dukowski made with a few of his bros in 1985? Neither does anyone else. Feast is better than it has any right to be. Still, you should probably only crank this one after you’ve had a few. Black Flag fans beware: these songs make “Bastard in Love” look like “Nervous Breakdown.” Did I mention Würm does a swing metal version of the Flag’s “Padded Cell?” They do, and it’s pretty goofy.

Ministry – The Last Sucker

Ministry had absolutely NO cred left when they released this one in 2007, but it’s still a fine entry in their canon. Crushing / hypnotic waves of industrial guitar, jackhammer drum noise, busloads of anti-GOP rhetoric—a nice callback to Ministry’s strength in pre-Bill Clinton America. Sure, the asphalt-ripping cover of “Roadhouse Blues” is probably the definition of overboard, but can you remember the last time Trent Reznor was this angry?