Pet Funeral Crashers

This sketch was included in a packet sent to an esteemed comedy institution a few years ago. I did not hear back from them.

Open on group of people surrounding a tiny box in a small backyard cemetery; FATHER with children present.

FATHER
Mr. Chippy was a fine turtle, one that we all loved dearly…

Suddenly, two guys in slick suits with trendy haircuts amble into the proceedings.

SLICK GUY
[TO KID, KINDA DRUNK] So, did you own the gerbil, or were you just friends with it?

SLICK GUY 2
[TO OTHER KID] Dude, this is so lame! Where’s the keg, seriously?

VOICEOVER
This summer, Brett Gunderson…

BRETT
I can’t believe you knocked the headstone over!

VOICEOVER
And Paul Hostetler…

PAUL
Who cares? It’s not like it was the real Lassie!

VOICEOVER
…are Pet Funeral Crashers!

Insert montage of guys accidentally hitting dog with car in cemetery next to funeral for someone’s horse; guys dancing with hot chicks near crying children; old man kicking one of the guys in the nuts. Montage song preference: something by C&C Music Factory.

Montage abruptly ends; cut to PAUL and BRETT in fancy private bathroom.

PAUL
[DUMBFOUNDED, LICKING LIPS] That goldfish tasted like peppercorn!

BRETT
[LAUGHING] Dude, you are so high right now!

TITLE CARD: PET FUNERAL CRASHERS—CHRISTMAS DAY.