Unsolicited Musings From JG2′s TV Viewing Journal Forever: Extreme Teen Mom Reality Junk Food Edition Makeover Hell

“Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition”: In which morbidly obese average citizens spend a full year trying to slim down with the help of an extraordinarily compassionate personal trainer. An interesting concept that generally goes one of two ways—the subject either buckles down and sheds their excess flab with minimal hiccups, becoming an entirely new physical specimen, or the subject goes off the rails after one bike ride and remains relatively chubbed out by year’s end. I have yet to see anyone attack the trainer, Chris, which is amazing because he personifies the term “aggressively chipper” (he’s sort of like the “Extreme Fajitas” guy in Office Space) and I think if he took my devil dogs away I’d have no recourse but to go shit-house on him, werewolf-style.

“Hotel Hell”: Gordon Ramsay yells at barely competent innkeepers until they agree to start washing their linens/paying their staff. Again, I’ve yet to see any situation come to physical blows on this program, but it’s only a matter of time when you have a metrosexual Brit invading our heartland to swear at doughy Americans who are already irritable because they’re fifty thou in debt. Yeah, I know, Gordon used to play rugby, but that was a long time ago. He’s not hungry anymore. J.P. Bedsheet in rural Pennsylvania, who lives on a diet of stress and black coffee and has zilch in his bank account, is ready to fucking rumble, especially when some celebrity chef rolls up to scream about his hotel’s brunch menu.

“Teen Mom”: This show is getting away with murder in the sense that one of the teen moms gave her baby up for adoption. Thus, you never see her being a teen mom. She’s just being a teen (i.e. looking overly distressed, dressing strangely, mumbling a lot). Hey, MTV, I could mosey on down to the roller rink if I wanted to just see regular-ass teens. The breakout stars of this show are Amber and Gary, two planet-sized balls of emotion whose screaming matches and joint decision to support Ed Hardy at all costs have surely scarred their child for life (or the middle-aged dwarf actress playing their child). I predict we’ll see some member of that family boxing the likes of Darva Conger on FOX in less than five years.