The Best Of The “Movies I Wanna See” Twitter Feed

Between April of 2009 and March of 2011 I ran a Twitter feed dedicated to goofy movie ideas (before I decided to go legit so I could be afforded the freedom to tweet about game shows from the eighties and upload blurry pictures of turkey sandwiches). Here now, the absolute cream of the @MoviesIWannaSee crop, preserved not only for the amusement of future Internet generations but also for desperate producers who want to throw money at me RE: further development.

FERRIS BUELLER’S DAY OF THE DEAD. Quirky teen reanimates deceased pals, causes charming amount of havoc in suburban Chicago.

THE JOHN KRICFALUSI PARTY MACHINE. Bitter animation god vents for two hours about how great cartoons used to be. Cameo by Billy West.

THE KING’S BEATBOX. Now filled with hubris, George VI buys tracksuit, reforms the Fat Boys, goes hog wild. Directed by Tyler Perry.

THE KIDS ARE ALL RIGHT 2: CLAY’S REVENGE. Wayward teen completes quest to urinate on stray animal. Music by Vampire Weekend, Andrew W.K.

A VERY MDC CHRISTMAS. Hardcore punk band forces mall Santa (Paul Giamatti) to guess outrageously offensive name. Cameo by Jello Biafra.

ZAT YOU, CHARLES BARKLEY? Retired NBA great sneaks into neighbor’s kitchen, attempts to make large deli sandwich. Music by Shaggy.

THE STEVE ALBINI PARTY MACHINE. Grumpy audio engineer decries mainstream society, silently watches YouTube kitten videos.

HARVEY FIERSTEIN’S HILARIOUS HANUKKAH HOOPLAH. Fussy actor lights the menorah, dishes on Estelle Getty’s peculiar grooming habits.

A VERY BLINK-182 CHRISTMAS. Aging pop punk band asks Santa for career extension. Cameos by Kermit the Frog, Pee Wee Herman, Wee Man.

CHRISTMAS WITH EVAN DANDO. Angel-faced crackhead (Ryan Gosling) spends 90 minutes trying to hang stockings. Music by Juliana Hatfield.

CELL PHONIES. Aspiring businessmen (Chris Tucker, Ice Cube) land in hot water with the mob after misplacing iPhone at wedding.

SEINFELD: THE LATER YEARS. As Manhattan real estate prices increase exponentially, barely employed comedian relocates to New Jersey.

SEINFELD: THE EARLY YEARS. Prequel covering Elaine & Jerry’s doomed romance, George’s stylish mullet. Filmed entirely with marionettes.

PLACE IN FRANCE. Chubby drifter (Andy Richter) discovers opening in Parisian wall through which he can view undressed females.

THE OTHER SOCIAL NETWORK. Undershirted collegiate Tom (Zach Braff) constructs website in 2005 for tweens, rappers, pedophiles.

HAYDEN PANETTIERE DOES YARD WORK. Sweaty ingenue weeds several acre estate while discussing life, dogs. Cameo by Tracy Morgan.

GET HIM TO THE WALGREENS. Crotchety old man (Craig T. Nelson) needs his heart pills before sundown. Directed by Chris Columbus.

SHIT MY COBB SALAD SAYS. Businessman’s soul becomes trapped in crouton. Directed by John Landis. Music by C&C Music Factory.

THESE JAWAS BE TRIPPIN’. Intergalactic traveler (Chris Tucker) haggles with stingy aliens on desert planet. Music by Lil Wayne, Drake.

TWEET MELTDOWN. Failure of social network forces U.S. president (Rip Taylor) to remove wig, mutter profusely. Directed by Oliver Stone.

GIVE A HOOT: THE WOODSY OWL STORY. Anthropomorphized bird (Jake Gyllenhaal) fights deforestation, Lyme disease. Music by M.I.A.

I WISH: THE SKEE-LO STORY. Vertically-challenged rapper (Kevin Hart) wants to get with popular female despite lack of mutual friends.

GG’S CHOICE. Damaged rocker (Joaquin Phoenix) must decide between MIT scholarship and a life of pooping on strangers for money.

MONTREAL SCREWJOB. Wrestler (Liev Schreiber) is double-crossed by his employer (Ray Wise) during championship match. Music by P. Glass.

BONFIRE OF THE MANATEES. Once peaceful sea creatures mount attack of coastal Florida town, and only the mayor (Rip Torn) knows why.

AQUAMAN DOES HIS TAXES. Underwater superhero (Chris Pine) has difficulty keeping financial records dry. Cameo by Sinbad as Black Lightning.

AL B. SURE WHOOPS UP ON DIDDY. Irrelevant old rapper fights less irrelevant old rapper over guardianship of son’s Ferrari. Music by KRS-One.

TWINKIE THE KID RIDES AGAIN. Anthropomorphic dessert item voiced by Greg Kinnear busts up illegal gambling ring in Cody, Wyoming.

LUCKY PIERRE. Ambiguous man (Adam Sandler) stumbles into gay orgy where he finds life, love, and a cure for his gout. Cameo by Perez Hilton.

COLIN POWELL CAN’T JUMP. Four-star general bets mortgage on game of basketball with local youths. Music by Technotronic, C&C Music Factory.

THE OFFICE: THE MOVIE. Paper company employee (John Krasinksi) must come to terms with uncontrollable smirking. Music/cameo by Keyboard Cat.

TYLER PERRY’S TIE FIGHTERS WEARING BOW TIES. TV host (Ty Pennington) hits upon million dollar idea for holidays. Music by Steven Tyler.

THIS PACKAGE OF RITZ CRACKERS BE TRIPPIN’. Hungry office worker (Martin Lawrence) struggles with midday snack. Soundtrack by Jay-Z, 50 Cent.

HONKY CENSUS WORKER BE TRIPPIN’. Nervous survey administrator (DJ Qualls) locks horns with ne’er-do-wells in lively Brooklyn neighborhood.

FORMER SECRETARY OF STATE JAMES BAKER BE TRIPPIN’. Retired gov’t official attempts to pull scam at local grocery store, winds up homeless.

LET’S WATCH MERYL STREEP TAKE A GRUMPY. Oscar-winning actress (Streep) talks about life, career while evacuating bowels in Target restroom.

RALPH NADER’S ULTIMATE FIGHTING CHAMPIONSHIP. Consumer advocate spends two hours inspecting sports arena, reviewing insurance policies.

PAUL BLART 2: WET SAUSAGE BLARTS. Hapless mall cop returns to protect his daughter during Oscar Meyer-sponsored swim meet.

PENIS JOHNSON: ON THE LOOSE & IN YOUR FACE! Unfortunately named ice cream man breaks out of jail, attempts to steal giant fiberglass cow.

GODZILLA VS. DOLLY PARTON. Country songbird charms atomic monster with music, folksiness, giant breasts. Cameos by Burt Reynolds, Cher.

DON’T FORGET THE NUGE! Ted Nugent stars as ornery mountain man who wins all-expenses trip to New York on game show. Directed by Ben Stiller.

SHAQ RIPS CINDY CRAWFORD IN HALF. Popular rapping athlete travels country tearing up photos of former Richard Gere flame.

THE BOURNE HEREDITY. Wanted spy visits family in Ozarks for Christmas. Will feature mainstream cinema’s first “donkey punch” Santa sequence.

GOODWILL: THE MOVIE. Crazed bum (Samuel L. Jackson) and hooker girlfriend (Amy Poehler) search for deals, redemption in famed thrift shop.

GODZILLA VS. KING KONG 2: DONNYBROOK IN RED HOOK. Giant monsters go toe-to-toe outside Brooklyn Ikea. Cameos by T.I., Carmen Electra, Charo.

WINONA RYDER’S NAKED PUDDING FIGHT. Popular actress battles Kate Winslet, Drew Barrymore, Jessica Alba in giant pit of delicious foodstuff.

UNDERSHIRT JOHNSON CONQUERS K-MART. Unemployed redneck (Mojo Nixon) takes over retail giant on Christmas Day, turns it into amusement park.

IS ED KOCH GAY? Fourteen hour documentary explores sexuality of former New York Mayor. Interviews include Richard Simmons, Brad Pitt, Charo.

BEETLEJUICE GETS SERVED. Undead deadbeat (Michael Keaton) has legal problems that can only be solved by entering a dance contest.

PEEPS: THE MOVIE. Jack Black & Will Ferrell star as wise-cracking, anthropomorphic versions of popular Easter candy. Directed by McG.

SPARKLE & FADE: THE EVERCLEAR STORY. Sappy grunge band takes world by storm amidst the turbulent backdrop of the mid-1990s. Music by Tonic.

MANSCAPIN’. Eddie Murphy plays a foul-mouthed hair on the chest of Jeff Goldblum who meets his romantic match in the actor’s trash can.

FAKIN’ IT. A young woman (Tara Reid) can only orgasm when she has sex with the ghost of a popular game show host (Robert Redford).

URKEL SALVATION. Inner city youth (Jaleel White) builds robot that terrorizes neighborhood cop and family in the future. Directed by McG.

THE ROYAL TENENBAUMS 2: HERE COMES TROUBLE. Inner city youth (Bobb’e J. Thompson) builds robot that terrorizes emotionally damaged family.

BREAKIN’ 3: SOLAR POWERED BOOGALOO. Ozone needs a hip replacement after falling outside the library; Turbo takes ballet at learning annex.

SNAKES ON A PLANE 2: TERMITES IN THE PRESIDENT’S HAT. Nat’l security is breached when Obama accidentally dons a critter-infested bonnet.

BONUS: More silly ideas I thunk up for

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One response to “The Best Of The “Movies I Wanna See” Twitter Feed”

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