So Rich He Don’t Need Pants

According to Forbes, Bill Gates is the richest person in America with a reputed net worth of $66 billion. Yet Gates can’t be all that rich; I say this because every time we’ve seen the Microsoft founder step out in public he’s been wearing pants. Animated miser Scrooge McDuck, on the other hand, has accumulated so much capital over the years the societal restriction of pants no longer applies to him. It’s only on the rare occasion that Scrooge has covered his hind quarters and legs with pants or pants-like materials. Scrooge McDuck is so rich even members of his extended family don’t have to wear pants—when’s the last time you saw Donald in anything more than his famed blue sailor boy top and matching hat? Meanwhile, the majority of Duckburg’s population are forced to hide their shame, irritated that a mere one percent can enjoy a cool nightly breeze on their hoo-has.

I doubt we’ll see any non-duck in this lifetime break the “no pants” barrier, but I want to be wrong. I want a rogue Carnegie-like figure to emerge from the shadows and rocket up past the squajillion dollar mark, shattering the need for pants in their money-soaked existence. How freeing that would be, not to mention inspirational for the millions of children still forced to endure the shame and tyranny of coveralls and slacks. Don’t be afraid to dream, kinder. Maybe you’ll make enough bank one day to tell pants to go screw!