4th Of July Gluttony Report

– General Tso’s serving large enough to stun Dikembe Mutombo

– equally large fried rice hill of the pork variety

– cup of froyo dusted w/ so much graham cracker I now have Wonka Lung

– several “gluten-free” cream sodas (like that makes a difference)

– three tiny pieces of broccoli

– two coffees

– two pieces of toast w/ Nutella just before bed

Needless to say, I do not feel like participating in a Tough Mudder today. This is where I make a defensive joke about how my shitty eating reflects the true values of America. Blah blah blah it’s my constitutional right [fart noise] Jefferson died so I could be an angry marshmallow man are you gonna finish that spiral ham?