Q: Why Do You Clear Your Throat So Goddamn Much?

A: Because it’s fun and I get a kick out of annoying you?

Actually, I’m not really sure. According to the Google-box excessive throat clearing is usually the result of allergies, which I do have in various shades. However, I can’t help believing my mucus chutes are a little messed up from a severe tonsillitis I had in my twenties. It came and went a handful of times, growing more vicious with each episode, but the doctors all told me the tonsil removal procedure is risky for adults. The recovery time’s super long, and it can mess up your vocal chords permanently.

It felt like the tonsillitis had already jacked my voice to some degree (it was a little stronger before) so I took a “wait and see” attitude. Here we is, ten years later, tonsils still caught in mah throat. Haven’t had tonsillitis since (knock on wood) but I do be “a-HEMing” a lot. There are worse ailments with which to be saddled. Like taco leg, or chronic leprechaun syndrome.

The throat clearing doesn’t prevent me from “living.” I made it to the top of Pike’s Peak a few years ago with no problems. I’ve been to Des Moines and no one tried to choke me out. I can do everything a regular throat clearer can do. Swimming, horseback riding, making shitty tampon jokes.

Please, save your pity. Save it for the thousands of Americans who live with the indignity of taco leg. They’re the ones who really need it.