Archive | Vicious Lies RSS for this section

Are You Not Iha? I Am Iha

On this, the twentieth anniversary of Mellon Collie And The Infinite Sadness, I submit for your approval the following tale.

A friend of a friend, let’s call him Bob, is at CBGBs back in the day (late ’90s?) and believes he spies Smashing Pumpkins guitarist James Iha amongst the gathered. Bob approaches the alleged Iha and inquires.

“No, I just look a lot like him,” Possible Iha answers. “Get it all the time.”

Bob isn’t convinced but what’s he gonna do, put this guy in a half nelson and check his wallet? He breaks off and goes back to where he was previously standing to enjoy the billed attraction.

The event comes to a close and the assembled make for the exit. Wading through the crowd, Bob feels something being forced into his hand. It’s a piece of paper. Specifically, a note. It reads, more or less:

Yes, I am actually James Iha. Sorry I couldn’t admit it but I didn’t want to cause a scene. Things can get pretty hairy when you’re James Iha.

Only in New York, I guess.

Be Sure To Eat Everything Your Mother Tells You

Spotted this gem of a panel in a Superman comic book anthology I’ve had since the fourth grade. Not much for subtlety, those 1940s. Maybe if we get plenty of refreshing sleep Warner Bros will reward us with a film where all Superman does is gather up paper scraps at super-speed.

Area Man Offers His Own Theory About Mad Max: Fury Road

I saw Fury Road, and it’s just as great as everyone says. The action is hard without being dour, the pace is quick without being dizzying, every character seems instantly iconic, they cram in a few sharp yuks, and in general this entry does not violate the fast n’ loose Mad Max mythos.

On that last point…

The main antagonist of Fury Road is played by Hugh Keays-Byrne, who also played the Toecutter in the inaugural Mad Max. Hugh’s got very distinct eyes and they are in fact the only bit of his face you can see in the new film. His hair is kinda the same too. Thus, it is my belief that his Fury Road character is actually the Toecutter (the same way the Humungus in Mad Max 2: The Road Warrior is thought to be Max’s fallen partner from Mad Max 1). Yes, somehow the Toecutter survived being run over by that tractor trailer. Stranger things have happened.

Following this logic, Fury Road is taking place thirty years after the events of Beyond Thunderdome, in real time, and Tom Hardy is not playing the original Mad Max but Max’s son. The Rockatansky clan isn’t defeated on screen in the first movie a la the Toecutter. It looks like the bikers hit them, and then Max hears they’re dead or near death at the hospital. So again, the child, though a defenseless infant creamed by a motorcycle, could have lived.

This is why the Max of Fury Road is hesitant about giving his name—he isn’t even sure who he is. He’s still piecing it all together. This is also why the film doesn’t make any great pains to say “this is MAD MAX, the LEGEND.” He’s not. He’s Max Junior. Or Sprog, rather, as he was known in 1979.

There are holes in this theory. How could Max’s son be driving his father’s car, the legendary last of the V8 Interceptors, when it was destroyed in The Road Warrior? I don’t know. Maybe everyone in Road Warrior was mistaken about the availability of V8 Interceptors. You know, people find stuff that’s supposedly lost to history all the time. Maybe someone in the Outback hung on to this car like Obi-Wan hung onto that lightsaber on the off chance his pal’s kid would show up one day.

And what of the elder Mad Max? Does he still roam the wastelands? Sure, why not. That would make an excellent sequel. Max versus Max, father versus son. Charlize Theron’s Furiosa wouldn’t know whose side to take. Then Tina Turner could show up with fuckin’ Emil Minty and take this dirty-ass circus to a whole ‘nother level.

Mad Max²: Beyond Fury Road. That’s what I’d call it. License to print money!

속옷 양말 자유(감사합니다)

Christ’s Mass
always remember
where were you
when you found out
Seth Rogen


enjoy this box
of novelty cereal
you can
Seth Rogen

no nukes
4 Christ’s Mass
no flukes

Rogen/Franco 2016


[Gratuitous Picture of Delta Burke Thursday]

The Greatest Trick Spacey’s Hair Ever Pulled

It’s been nineteen years since The Usual Suspects came out, and the “Who is Keyser Söze?” debates have fallen dormant. So let us now attempt to unravel the mystery of Kevin Spacey’s hair in that movie. Is it a widow’s peak? Is it a fuckin’ devilock? I choose to believe the latter. Spacey is obvz a closet Misfits fan and this was his subtle tribute.

Alternate title for this post: YO I JUST WATCHED THIS OLD ASS MOVIE ON NETFLIX

Unsolicited Thoughts / Notes On 30 For 30: The Price Of Gold

– sometimes you read stories about our armed forces blasting heavy metal at foreign dictators to ferret them out of fortified compounds but what they really need to use is audio of Nancy Kerrigan reeling in pain during the aftermath of her 1994 attack; that unhinged wailing jostles the moorings of my soul

– Tonya Harding’s mom dressing like a nefarious super villain (mink stole and a parrot on her shoulder?) would be funny if she hadn’t been so terrible to her daughter in her youth

– whether or not you believe Harding was in on the pre-attack conspiracy I think we can all agree the men involved made the Sweathogs look like Rhodes Scholars

– if Harding masterminded the attack, what a shame she didn’t believe in her own talents (she’d already bested Kerrigan once in a World Championship); if Harding had nothing to do with the attack, what a shame she couldn’t put her issues with Kerrigan aside and reach out immediately to say, “Hey, I’m sorry, I married this clown but I want to make sure we’re square before things go any further” (Harding tried to apologize much later but Kerrigan made her talk to the hand ’cause the face wasn’t listenin’)

– the person my heart goes out to most in all of this is Michelle Kwan; Kwan won her right to compete in the ’94 Olympics by placing second in the U.S. Championships, but the ice skating powers that be decided Kerrigan would have clinched that spot had she not been clubbed…so they gave Kerrigan Kwan’s spot and sent Kwan to Norway as a non-competing alternate, which is a supremely shitty thing to do to a thirteen year old, if you ask me

– shady character Shawn Eckhardt (Harding’s bodyguard, now deceased) sort of resembled William Hootkins, the actor who played shady character Max Eckhardt in the first Batman; Shawn later changed his name to Brian Griffith, which is so very close to the name of portly “Family Guy” character Brian Griffin (whom he also sort of resembled)

– Harding’s ex-husband Jeff Gillooly changed his name to Jeff Stone, which is boring as hell and robs us of our god-given right to enjoy the mirth that inherently surrounds “Gillooly”

– this documentary takes the high road, making no mention of the Tonya Harding sex tape or Harding’s “foxy” boxing bout against Paula Jones

Historic Artifact?

You know what this means: people were throwing their letters in that thing until they put the sign up. Guess they get a lot of overflow from 1921.

Signage spotted in the lobby of the Hampton Inn, downtown Chicago, where I am not staying. I need a hotel with a working mail chute!

No Dogs, No Dogs, And No Dogs

“I think, since you post so much about your family and how happy you are all the time, people would be really surprised if you had a status update that was a Vladimir Lenin quote…or, like, something about Reservoir Dogs.”

The woman’s eyes widened.

“I couldn’t even finish that movie!” She exclaimed. “I had to shut it off, it was too—”

“I want to see it!” interrupted her second grader, looking up from her book with a wide smile.

“You can’t.”


“There are no dogs in it,” her father stated matter-of-factly.

“What? Why would they give it a name like that then?” the child asked, still smiling but with a furrowed brow.

No one—not Mother, not Father, nor I the visiting satellite adult—could provide an answer. The conversation lurched elsewhere.

She can Google it in a few years, I thought.