Archive | Vicious Lies RSS for this section

Historic Artifact?

You know what this means: people were throwing their letters in that thing until they put the sign up. Guess they get a lot of overflow from 1921.

Signage spotted in the lobby of the Hampton Inn, downtown Chicago, where I am not staying. I need a hotel with a working mail chute!

No Dogs, No Dogs, And No Dogs

“I think, since you post so much about your family and how happy you are all the time, people would be really surprised if you had a status update that was a Vladimir Lenin quote…or, like, something about Reservoir Dogs.”

The woman’s eyes widened.

“I couldn’t even finish that movie!” She exclaimed. “I had to shut it off, it was too—”

“I want to see it!” interrupted her second grader, looking up from her book with a wide smile.

“You can’t.”

“Awwww!”

“There are no dogs in it,” her father stated matter-of-factly.

“What? Why would they give it a name like that then?” the child asked, still smiling but with a furrowed brow.

No one—not Mother, not Father, nor I the visiting satellite adult—could provide an answer. The conversation lurched elsewhere.

She can Google it in a few years, I thought.

Humorous Photo Taken

Thank you, Michael Poley, for capturing on film the religious epiphany I experienced two weeks ago at Gatorland. O reptilian lord, please accept me as I am, imprisoned in this inferior saggy pink flesh.

Guess Who Else They’re Putting In The Next Superman Movie

I’m kidding you, of course. This huckleberry won’t be showing up until the Justice League movie, which is just gonna be a two hour episode of “Match Game.” “Aquaman is so annoying, he always puts his fish in my ‘blank!'”

“There’s Three Of You, You’re Not Exactly ‘Lone.'”

This holiday weekend, as you settle in to watch How About Jack Sparrow Is An Indian? And Maybe There’s Another Guy?, don’t forget the original fight for law and order in the early west across 1990s FM airwaves. Ah, those thrilling days of yesteryear when terrestrial radio still mattered. I’ll argue to my grave that first half of this movie is brilliant (everything hits a wall when they give us that scene of Brendan Fraser sulking to “Unsatisfied,” as if the headbanger Chazz Darvey would even know who the Replacements are).

It is kind of weird, though, that for Airheads’ duration no one counters the running gag of “three guys called the Lone Rangers?” by pointing out the original Lone Ranger never thwarted a bank robbery or saved a maiden fair without assistance from Tonto. I mean, how did he even get that name if someone was always with him? He wasn’t even lone when he became the Lone Ranger—he rode into that ambush with eight of his brothers, right? Sheesh, this guy’s more like the Co-Dependent Ranger if you ask me.

And another thing: If James Bond is so fucking famous, how come in every one of his stupid movies he has to introduce himself? “You’re the most handsome man in this casino, you’re winning every round, you’re also the only Scottish guy here—what was your name again?”

I’m going to workshop these bits tonight at the Comedy Hutch in Ocala. Come on out, two for one drinks!

Another Artistic Photo Of Plastic

Here we see the heavily-rumored conga sequence from J.J. Abrams’ forthcoming Star Wars movie wherein Luke dances with himself, Lando Calrissian, and a bunch of dead people.