Tag Archive | 1984

Unsolicited Cobbin’ On Children Of The Corn

Children of The Corn is a film about some kids possessed by another kid possessed by a nebulous farm demon; they’ve expunged every adult from their town and any grownup unlucky enough to cross their path winds up crucified on corn stalks; all of this is more plausible than the scene where two tykes break off from the cult to indulge in a game of Monopoly; an entire town at your disposal and you want to play a real estate simulator?

– the protagonists are Burt and Vicky, an adult-ish couple driving through Nebraska on the way to Burt’s medical internship; problems begin when they accidentally run their giant canary colored 1980s car into a child of the corn; Burt must be at the bottom of his class because he moves the kid from the scene of this accident, wrapping him up and tossing him in the trunk; slowly the child of the trunk is forgotten about as Burt and Vicky’s quest for a doctor gets weirder; by the time the end credits roll, the vehicular manslaughter that set all this shit into motion remains unresolved; the lesson: if you run over a child of the corn, just wait until help arrives or else you’ll wind up fending off gaggles of hollow-eyed baby Satanists with just your wits and a pocket knife

– the nebulous farm demon is never really seen or thoroughly explained, which is disappointing; a 1984 movie about otherworldly energy moving through cornfields and possessing children deserves a big crazy stalk monster that spits creamed corn and vaporizes chickens with laser eyes

– one of the production companies credited with bringing Children of The Corn to life is Hal Roach Studios, who of course also delivered us Alfalfa, Spanky, Buckwheat, and the rest of Our Gang; is that ironic or hilarious, and has anyone considered a dark reboot of Our Gang?

– this film is creepy and unsettling and they could have stopped at one but in the grand tradition of any marginally interesting 1980s horror film there have been seven Children of The Corn sequels and a remake

– if John Franklin’s portrayal of malevolent child preacher Isaac becomes too much to bear, calm yourself by remembering that Franklin also plays Cousin Itt in both Addams Family movies

Throwback Thursday: Totally Eighties Christmas Edition

Here’s a blurry photo of yours truly on the Christ’s Mass of ’84, awash in plasticine bounty typical of Reagan Era living. Case in point: I’m holding (and am clearly enamored with) a robot that turns into a gun. If that’s not the ’80s in a nutshell I don’t know what is (maybe a robot that turns into a gun wearing Jim McMahon sunglasses?).

To be honest I don’t remember this specific yule too well, but I can tell you I later spent countless hours ramming that “Knight Rider” toy into my Ewok Village playset. I’d set up all my Star Wars figures on the playset like it was the end of Jedi and (from a few feet away) roll Hasselhoff’s Trans Am as hard as I could into the otherwise docile ewok treehouse. KA-BLEWSH!

You shoulda seen how far C-3PO and Zuckuss would fly sometimes—right into Mother Greene’s kitchen!