Visiting Florida has proven supremely relaxing, although I have grown too accustom to walking everywhere in Brooklyn to really jive back into the whole driving scene. Truth be told, I was never terribly primed about learning to operate a car in the first place. I got my learner’s permit at fifteen but didn’t actually get the real deal until a couple years later, and only out of necessity. I had to get to that awesome job I scored at Taco Bell in the fall of ’96 somehow.
At the time, I didn’t own a horse and our lawnmower was not of the riding variety. Thus, a 1986 Ford Aerostar Van entered my life. That van was pretty tits, but it would have been more tits had my cassette copy of Soundgarden’s Superunknown not jammed in the tape deck. I felt like I lived in Chris Cornell’s scrotum the entire time I drove that thing.
You know what’s really suburban? Getting a haircut at Great Clips. I did that yesterday because you only live once, and I had no tolerance for scissoring my own shaggy mane. Now I look like David Strickland. Don’t worry—I haven’t been partying with Andy Dick this week. No seedy motel suicide for me!
I won a game of Scrabble against my mother two nights ago. That’s like my crowning achievement of the month. I never win at Scrabble. I should retire from board games. Alas, I have a small wood fetish.
So I have an idea for the next Batman movie: Heidi Klum as Miss Freeze. Flip the script and make Freeze a literal cold-hearted German chick. America would go nuts for that. Chris Nolan, get at me. Make the check out to CASH.