Have you ever noticed how United States Forest Service Chief Thomas Tidwell looks like Jack McBrayer in old age makeup? Have you also ever noticed how Arnold Schwarzenegger is melting into a Tommy Lee Jones doppelgänger? And what of Smokey Bear’s “no eye contact” policy as of late? What’s that guy hiding?
In the dream that besieged me last night, Jim Varney (he of Ernest fame) had a secret past as an ace major league pitcher under the name “McGregor” for the Oakland A’s. This was revealed to me by none other than Tony LaRussa during a private moment in the A’s dugout (I was there to see the baseball jersey that held the Guinness World Record for longest name on the back). For some reason, it was entrusted to me to tell Jim Varney’s long-lost son, who was actually the kid from “Two And A Half Men.”
I get to “Two And A Half Men” kid’s house and briefly talk to him through my car window on his front lawn. It turns out he’s my second cousin, which in turn means I’m somehow related to Jim Varney. We never did figure out why Ernest kept his pitching history secret nor why he chose the pseudonym “McGregor.” It should be noted that in this version of reality, Jim Varney’s coke-related death is a closely guarded secret.
It should also be noted this entire sequence was preceded by a segment where I was trapped in a pool house with Arnold Schwarzenegger (in Terminator garb) as he fended off various evil doers and bad guys.