Tag Archive | Arnold Schwarzenegger

Things That Make You Go Hmmm

Have you ever noticed how United States Forest Service Chief Thomas Tidwell looks like Jack McBrayer in old age makeup? Have you also ever noticed how Arnold Schwarzenegger is melting into a Tommy Lee Jones doppelgänger? And what of Smokey Bear’s “no eye contact” policy as of late? What’s that guy hiding?

Unsolicited Austrian Death Machine Jingle Review

Austrian Death Machine
Jingle All The Way
Metal Blade

Fans of this Schwarzenegger-obsessed As I Lay Dying side project will be happy to know the band’s finally come around to mocking Ahnuld’s infamously terrible (and possibly cursed) 1997 Christmas vehicle Jingle All The Way. Three speedy death metal jaunts comprise this EP, the best of which is probably the triumphant gallop “It’s Turbo Time.” Second place goes to “Who Told You You Could Eat My Cookies?”, in which a Phil Hartman double entendre is finally realized as stark demonic brutality. The only downer here? No overt references to Sinbad or Jake Lloyd. Otherwise, zero complaints regarding this head-slamming Yuletide delight.

FINAL SCORE: Three and a half Turbo Man dolls (out of four).

Crazy-Ass Dream: Ernest Plays Ball

In the dream that besieged me last night, Jim Varney (he of Ernest fame) had a secret past as an ace major league pitcher under the name “McGregor” for the Oakland A’s. This was revealed to me by none other than Tony LaRussa during a private moment in the A’s dugout (I was there to see the baseball jersey that held the Guinness World Record for longest name on the back). For some reason, it was entrusted to me to tell Jim Varney’s long-lost son, who was actually the kid from “Two And A Half Men.”

I get to “Two And A Half Men” kid’s house and briefly talk to him through my car window on his front lawn. It turns out he’s my second cousin, which in turn means I’m somehow related to Jim Varney. We never did figure out why Ernest kept his pitching history secret nor why he chose the pseudonym “McGregor.” It should be noted that in this version of reality, Jim Varney’s coke-related death is a closely guarded secret.

It should also be noted this entire sequence was preceded by a segment where I was trapped in a pool house with Arnold Schwarzenegger (in Terminator garb) as he fended off various evil doers and bad guys.