Nothing says flip-flops and sand in your shorts quite like extreme female metal J-pop (or however you’re supposed to classify this brilliance). I’ll be blasting this sucker all summer as I beach myself next to my parents’ pool, Shirley Temple in hand, female medium Hooters shirt wrapped around my sausage-like torso.
P.S. Indeed, I am “summering” at my parents’ house in Florida this year, so don’t waste your time combing Kings County in search of two-eyed Jimmy. The Sunshine State is where you’ll find me, marveling at this wonder the natives call “central” air. I promise to keep the “oh boy, my parents are wacky, look at this thing I found!” posts to a minimum.
Previously published sans annotation here. This year’s lists are dedicated to Gidget, the Taco Bell Chihuahua (pictured, left), who died a couple years ago and has yet to receive a proper tribute in this country. Yes, I’m currently petitioning Congress to make her birthday a national holiday.
JG2’s TOP TEN ALBUMS OF 2011
1. Turbo A.C.’s – Kill Everyone
2011’s greatest monument to that archaic concept of rock n’ roll and the trash culture that surrounds it. Key phrases from my original review of Kill Everyone: “crushing,” “foreboding,” “hot asphalt,” “heart-bruising melodies,” “wounded pride,” “punk aching,” and “zeal.” If these guys turn out to be stockbrokers who own property in Westchester County, I will lose all faith in humanity/art.
2. Anal Cunt – Fuckin’ A
Seth Putnam’s final stand unfurls itself as a twisted tribute to whiskey-soaked, crotch-rubbing hard rock circa 1984. Is it genuine or a complete piss take? The jury’s still out on that, but Fuckin’ A works as a curious buffer between the shrieky atonal hell of Anal Cunt’s normal grindcore and the grimy bombast of Mötley Crüe and Quiet Riot. The most accessible (not to mention most fun) record ever to bear the name Anal Cunt.
3. Lou Reed & Metallica – Lulu
Lou collaborates with the rock band we all assume is least aligned with his sensibilities and creates something that’s almost as deliciously painful as Metal Machine Music. Both parties must be commended for fully committing to their ridiculous union, a Waterworld for the iPod generation.
4. Pusrad – Smarttrams
This EP of jagged hardcore punk from Sweden is only two minutes long, but it leaves some serious road burn. Pusrad manage to display a surprising amount of dexterity in their attack, leaving one to wonder why all music of this nature can’t be as boisterous.
5. Screeching Weasel – First World Manifesto
One of the most focused and fulfilling entries of Screeching Weasel’s career. Unfortunately, buffoonery at the hands of Ben Weasel derailed any momentum First World had going, so it’ll probably take a few years for devoted pop punkers to place it in their minds next to previous towering SW efforts.
6. Megadeth – Thirteen
Of course thirteen would be a lucky number for this band previously obsessed with the occult, nuclear destruction, and religious jihads. Fantastic production allows Megadeth to stretch their legs a tad and gallop along at satisfying paces that don’t embarrass them. Also, they made a video with monkeys.
7. Das Racist – Relax
The Stephen Wrights of rap nail their debut album with lackadaisical but funny rhymes over beats that alternately accost and amuse. Lazy opportunists or dada novelty? Doesn’t matter when the returns are this high.
8. Beastie Boys – Hot Sauce Committee Part Two
The Beasties can get away with an album of 1980s Afrika Bambaataa video game noises because they lived through that era. As insular as Hot Sauce initially sounds, it’s ultimately a party record (even when Nas shows up).
9. Foo Fighters – Wasting Light
The big stupid white bread hooky arena rock record every year needs. Plenty of gusto to match the melody.
10. Black Dahlia Murder – Ritual
As I insisted before, BDM “effortlessly massage enormous amounts of feeling and harmony into their fist-clenching anthems of anger, pestilence, pain, and suffering.” 2011 offered no better soundtrack for all night Call of Duty finger-mashing sessions fueled by candy and energy drinks.
JG2’s TOP TEN SINGLES OF 2011
Death metal/grindcore is finally co-opted by J-Pop, and the results are life-affirming.
The imagery the chorus conjures up is hilarious. Can anyone imagine these guys going to the beach in the first place, let alone subjecting surfers to this noise as if it were Van Halen’s “Panama?”
3. Turbo A.C.’s – “Die Tomorrow”
Mainly for this lyrical gem: “Say you wanna die, but I think you’re a liar/I’ve never seen you at a Gray’s Papaya.”
Mainly for this lyrical gem: “Yeah, I’m fuckin’ great at rapping!”
What, did you think this Loutallica record wasn’t gonna sound like they were making it up as they go along?
The Beasties can still get all 1992 on your ass if they really feel like it.
Yeah, she’s fuckin’ great at rapping.
The Foos mainline the Cult and make you hard / wet with anticipation.
Hey, this death metal isn’t giving me a headache yet!
Everybody likes a little cotton candy.
Who Am JG2?
BRAVE PUNK WORLD
Star Wars Ruined My Life: A Failure By JG2
The Misfits Book
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