– this new Beck song
– the concept of exploring Back to the Future’s “cultural impact”
– being afflicted by “the sniffles”
– having to pluck my eyebrows so I don’t look like Fyvush Finkel
– Spellcheck not being familiar with “Fyvush Finkel”
– America not being familiar with Fyvush Finkel
– Fyvush Finkel not doing more shit
Hill Valley’s clock tower, the prestigious building that allowed Michael J. Fox’s Marty McFly character to literally travel back to the future in the 1985 blockbuster film Back to the Future, was damaged yesterday when a massive fire broke out at Universal Studios Hollywood. The courthouse square surrounding the clock tower was apparently completely destroyed, along with a bunch of King Kong crap and a couple of unrelated fake streets that were in the general Hill Valley vicinity.
While no one was seriously injured, this does seriously injure the production of Back to the Future 4, which I wrote a really awesome script for that I was hoping Universal would buy from me before next month’s rent is due. The security guard I talked to at the front gate assured me the guys he ate lunch with really liked my whole “Biff kills Hitler” angle; during our last conversation, he promised to forward my treatment to Spielberg’s assistant’s assistant. I guess that’s all on hold now. Goddamn my rotten luck.
But I digress. I don’t have to tell you the clock tower is an iconic piece of American film history. In the absence of Elsa Raven and Charles Fleischer, I would like to officially start the Save The Clock Tower (No, Seriously, For Real) Fund. You don’t have to make a huge contribution. In fact, I think if every one of us who cares about preserving this very important and completely fake building just sends a handful of pennies that would otherwise be languishing uselessly in the muggy depths of our pockets to Universal, they’d have at least enough to go down to Home Depot to pick up a roll of electrical tape or a tube of spackle.
So let’s get things started already. Fish that copper out of your dungarees and send it to:
100 Universal City Plaza
Universal City, CA 91608
Be sure to include a little note that says something like, “Hey, heard about the fire. Here’s some change to help the Clock Tower recovery effort. Have a great one!” If you’re worried about getting any of that dreaded change back, just list “Save The Clock Tower (No, Seriously, For Real) Fund” as the return address. Then they’ll end up at the dead letter office and they’ll be the government’s problem.
Come on, people. Let’s make this the most significant event of 2008. As Joey Ramone once said (and he spoke for all of us), if you’re not in it, you’re out of it.
UPDATE: The clock tower is apparently fine. So forget it.