Tag Archive | Batman

Israel, Palestine Broker Peace Over Shared Hatred Of Affleck

Not really, but can you imagine? All that bloodshed staved because nobody wants Reindeer Games to play Batman. If I worked for “Night Show with White-zo Whiteman” that’s the joke angle I’d take for tomorrow’s monologue. Hey Ben Affleck, no one wants you in the Batcave! [popular quote from Affleck movie twisted and thrown back in Ben’s face] [audience laughs, host shoots smug look at band leader]

Meanwhile, hats off to Henry Cavill for not chewing his own face off or shooting up a WB executive board room (yet). I think I would have walked the minute someone told me they were turning my Superman sequel into the next Batman launching pad. Regardless of who’s in the cowl that’s gotta be deflating. Welcome to Hollywood post-Avengers. Man of Steel failed to halt time and space. It was not praised as the new deity, universally drank as the new absolute superhero elixir. Making MOS2 could be a gamble. It might only make $600 mil again! The Twittersphere might not cotton to Gilbert Gottfried at Mxyzptlk!

Fuck it, let’s just make it a Batman instead. That’s a sure bet. Hey, despite its flaws (i.e. everything) Batman & Robin still had the third highest opening weekend of 1997! I know I saw it that weekend. I laid down my coppers to watch Chris O’Donnell and Alicia Silverstone shame themselves out of their own careers. That was…delicious.

Look, I just feel bad for Superman. I want him to have his Dark Knight. Of course, Superman’s Dark Knight may have arrived in 1978 in the form of that first Richard Donner outing. How can you top Reeve, Kidder, and that devil Hackman? Maybe you can’t. Maybe it’s time I shift my worries to other DC characters. Yo, where that Wonder Twins movie at? I can see Mila Kunis and a Jonas brother making that work.

Say No To Black Sabbath Without Burt Ward

Forget Bill Ward—I’m not listening to another note of Black Sabbath without Burt Ward. Our Boy Wonder’s due for a comeback, and I bet “Orange Colored Sky” would sound totally boss with Geezer Butler playing bass.

Also, obviously, Burt’s Sabbath inclusion would provide an incredible excuse to dress Ozzy Osbourne up like Batman. Kapow!

Axl Rose Pays Tribute To Bob The Goon

On the left, W. Axl fronting Guns n’ Roses 2.0 Sunday night at Rock in Rio in Brazil. On the right, Tracey Walter as the Joker’s right hand man Bob in Tim Burton’s 1989 Batman film. The media can run their mouths all they want about “Breaking Bad” references, but us Bat-fans know the real deal behind Axl’s eye-catching wardrobe.

Unsolicited Predators Haiku Review

Brody whispers, grunts
a la C. Bale in Batman
I totes LOL’d, mostly.

Boy Wonder To Bow Out, Spelling End To Dynamic Duo

GOTHAM CITY – Robin the Boy Wonder, who for years has aided mysterious crime-fighter Batman as part of the so-called “Dynamic Duo,” has announced his retirement from caped crusading, capping a dramatic year for the vigilante pair and leaving Batman without a sidekick for the first time in several decades.

Robin made the decision based on “some personal struggles,” including his eighteen hour entrapment inside an oversized hour glass at the hands of nefarious super villain the Riddler in January.

An official announcement is expected to come Sunday, when a TV advertisement taped by the Boy Wonder is set to air in Gotham City. In that tape, circulated by the media last night, Robin says his “life is taking a new direction, one in which I no longer risk my physical and mental well-being by chasing criminally disturbed assholes who always seem to outwit me anyway.”

In the two-minute ad, with soft music playing in the background, he says he has recently battled depression, addiction, and post-traumatic stress disorder caused by his current position and wishes to go back to anonymous civilian life.

“Batman taught me that crime-fighting at its very core is about serving others,” Robin says in the video as black-and-white images of him and the Dark Knight flash across the screen. “For several decades I’ve been humbled and honored to protect the people of our city, but seriously, I’m starting to lose my fucking mind. Every night I lay awake in a cold sweat wondering if tomorrow will be the day the Joker finally blows me to smithereens. I can’t fucking handle that anymore”

Robin’s decision will mean that Batman will be working without a sidekick for the first time since 1947. That was the year the masked teenager was first spotted aiding Batman in his nightly escapades to thwart crime in Gotham City.

Given the time span and the fact Robin does not appear to age, it has been theorized that several young boys have been employed as the Boy Wonder over the years. An official investigation into the matter has never been launched as Gotham City police have yet to successfully pinpoint the location of “Bat-Cave,” the subterranean hideout Batman, who top scientists all agree is a mutant hailing from another dimension, allegedly calls home.

Several sources close to Robin said last night that he had been mulling over the decision for as long as a year.

“Faith and begorrah! This is sumtin’ tha Boy Wunder has been thinkin’ about fer a while!” said an unnamed Gotham Police Chief. “He and I talked about it nearly tin months ago over a pint a Guinness and some darts, we did!”

Robin’s struggles with depression and drug addiction were apparent last November when he appeared disheveled and distracted on the steps of City Hall during a ceremony honoring visiting dignitary Commodore Schmidlapp. A Facebook status update the following day from Robin suggested the teen hero had checked himself into an addiction treatment center in neighboring Metropolis.

In 2006, after he pleaded guilty to a charge of driving the Batmobile under the influence of the Penquin’s knock-out gas relating to an early morning car crash outside Wayne Industries, Robin checked himself into the Mayo Clinic in Minnesota.

In his taped message, the Boy Wonder thanked Gotham City for its support throughout his good times and bad.

“When I made missteps or suffered setbacks, like the time King Tut trapped me in that sarcophagus and threw me into Gotham River, you responded not with contempt, but with compassion,” he said. “Thank you for all the times you lifted me up, pushed me forward.”

Robin has been widely seen as vulnerable, particularly for his uncanny ability over the years to fall victim to so many of the criminals he is supposed to be apprehending with Batman. Gothamites have tended to forgive Robin, though, usually citing the fact that the Boy Wonder is just that—a boy—and probably isn’t as experienced as his older, more dashing, and clearly much smarter partner.

Robin was also a flashpoint recently when he clashed with Superboy, who denied him entry into the Hall of Justice for a formal event due to inappropriate attire. Robin was wearing his usual green slippers; Superboy insisted the event scheduled was “boots only.”

Word of Robin’s decision spread through the superhero world last night.

Wonder Woman said she feels Robin has made the right choice since the crime-fighter has had such a “bad year” and is still reeling from the hour glass incident.

“He feels terrible about being stuck in that stupid hour glass while the Riddler kidnapped Commissioner Gordon, and to carry on while he’s still popping pills and tweaking out is probably not in his best health interest.”

She said second-string superheroes of all stripes could make a serious run for the vacant sidekick position.

Kato, the Green Hornet’s lithe Asian assistant, had harsher words for Robin. Kato stated the Boy Wonder has always viewed crime fighting “like a part-time fry cook job” and that “he was never up to the challenge.”

“Listen, the Green Hornet makes me drive his fucking limo, like I’m his goddamn personal chauffeur,” Kato said in a phone interview. “Meanwhile, who does the lion’s share of ass-kicking when we’re in a pinch? Me. You’ll never hear me complain, though, because my heart is really in this. I have dedicated my life to this art, and I’m grateful for any opportunity. Robin, on the other hand, whines like a bitch every time he stubs his fucking toe.”

Criminal mastermind Catwoman, currently serving a life sentence in Gotham State Prison for infecting all of Gotham’s veterinarians with feline AIDS, said he was shocked at the news.

“What a purrrrrfect surprise,” she said. “Cats don’t like birds anyway. Now there’s plenty of room for me to sink my claws into Batman, meow!”

Aquaman, the rakish hero who spends most of his days chatting with kelp, said he can understand why Robin is quitting, adding that crime-fighting is a “tough business” that takes a toll on superheroes and their families.

“I mean, granted, my gig is pretty good—I stay in great shape ’cause I’m swimming all day, and you wouldn’t believe some of these women I’m savin’ from killer barnacles! But Robin, he probably had it harsh on that land scene. I think the people of Gotham dig his groovy vibe, and we’ll all miss that ‘Holy Whatever, Batman!’ thing that he liked to do.”

Batman did not respond to the Bat-Signal before press time.

Holy Childhood Fantasy Realization, Batman!

I don’t know why I’m just finding out about this now, but there’s a company out there that makes actual working replicas of the legendary Batphone from the 1960s “Batman” TV show. Finally, I can pretend I’m talking to Neil Hamilton every single time I’m yakking it up with someone! I’m sure this will be the best $122 I’ll ever spend.

P.S. – these folks also offer a replica of the famous Shakespeare bust Adam West and Burt Ward would flip open to access the Batcave. WTF? It’s like they’re reading my fucking mind! Get out of my head, Redhotphones.com!

Unsolicited Dark Knight Review

The Dark Knight
Starring: Christian Bale, Heath Ledger, Maggie Gyllenhaal
Directed by Christopher Nolan

WARNING: The following article contains a handful of spoilers so potent and explosive they will not only ruin The Dark Knight if you haven’t seen it, they will also completely destroy the fabric of your reality. I’m not even kidding. Do not read the following review if you currently enjoy life on any level at all. Titanic pain awaits. You have been warned.

So Bruce Wayne is Batman. OMG, WTF. Also, there’s no goddamn surfing anywhere in this fuckin’ movie.

Before I say anything else regarding this film, I’d like to brag about the fact I saw The Dark Knight on opening night in Union Square in NEW YORK CITY. In order to accomplish this Herculean feat, I had to purchase tickets immediately upon leaving the theater after viewing Batman Begins in 2005.

“We’re not even sure they’re making a sequel yet,” the elderly usher told me that night. “But you’d better buy these anyway, just in case.”

It should also be noted that I saw exactly one person “in costume” for this premiere. A chubby kid in o-fficial Heath Ledger Joker make-up and an o-fficial Heath Ledger Joker t-shirt was milling about, looking a little too Marilyn Manson fan circa 1996. This kid’s ghoulish visage was almost as frightening as the time I walked by my local cineplex the night Austin Powers 3 came out and spotted three underfed dweebs in ruffled shirts, nerd glasses, and false teeth gesticulating wildly for local news cameras. Needless to say, I fled for my life that evening and took several cold showers when I got home.

Back to the movie. The Dark Knight is just as good as everyone says it is. Thrills, chills, spills, pills, kills, drills, hills, frills, bills, and grills—this movie’s got it all, plus Anthony Michael Hall. The most entertaining and exciting Batman flick since Keaton first donned the suit in ’89. The only thing keeping TDK from exceeding that landmark film is ol’ Bats himself. Same issues I had with Batman Begins: the suit looks like a pile of misshapen clay, Christian Bale insists on growling like Joe Cancer while he’s in it, and the Batmobile is that all-terrain redneck nightmare I’d rather see crushing cars at a monster truck rally. Thankfully Bale was likable enough outside the cowl to make me root for his funky alter ego.

The story was nice and believable, too, grounded in some kind of normal crime reality. No wacky mind-altering gas, no penguins with missiles strapped to their backs, no dehydrating world leaders—just robbing, stealing, shooting, stabbing, beating, and a handful of bombs for good measure. Batman has some pretty silly high-tech crap (the tool he uses near the end of the film is some straight-up Metal Gear Solid video game-type wizardry), but as Homer Simpson once cheerfully pointed out to his wife, the Caped Crusader is a scientist. If he’s clever enough to keep that stupid car hidden, I’ll believe he can (SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER OH GOD SPOILERS ARE REAL FTW!) manipulate every cell phone in Gotham City.

And now I must address Heath Ledger. Does the late Aussie’s turn in The Dark Knight make every other performance in the entire history of acting look like a festering pile of diseased whale cock or merely the filthy, worm-ridden butt of a three-legged junkyard dog? I don’t know. All I can tell you for sure is the Ledge does a winning job bringing the Joker to life, transforming the beloved comic villain into the psychotic demon we always knew he could be. The Joker’s first major scene in Dark Knight will probably go down as one of cinema’s most awesome moments, right up there with Robert Shaw’s grizzly death in Jaws and that totally bad-ass part in The Untouchables where Andy Garcia shoots all those dudes while sliding down the staircase on his back (Andy Garcia, you just pwnd Capone! LOL).

Final grade for The Dark Knight? Four super-rich, strep throat-afflicted superheroes out of four. This movie is textured, satisfying cool, the kind that doesn’t come along too often. It’s worth the price of admission and then some.

Now, as is tradition once a new Batman film has been released, let us begin speculating / postulating / spreading crazy, crazy lies about who or what will appear in the sequel. I officially put forth the following theories for Batman 3, Gotham 0:

– Damon Wayans as the Riddler, a collegiate Kaczynski-type who terrorizes the citizens of Gotham while retaining the ability to walk among them (of course, the studio would probably save a lot of money if they just hired this guy to play the Riddler)

– Christopher Lloyd as Mr. Freeze, a global warming watchdog who takes things just a bit too far

– Cee-Lo from Gnarls Barkley as the Penguin, suave affluent hipster who seduces high society socialites with his soulful singing and then beats them to death with his umbrella

– Jack Black as King Tut, the bipolar Professor who wants to kidnap Batman and take him back to ancient Egypt for the ultimate paaaaar-TAAAAAYY!!!

– The Jonas Brothers as all three Robins, simultaneously helping Batman solve crime while making pre-teen Gotham hearts swoon with their popular brand of faith-based pop rock

– CGI Ace the Bat-Hound voiced by a very bitter and sarcastic Norm MacDonald

– Yakoff Smirnoff as the weird Russian Batman who resides on Earth-30 in the alternate DC comics universe

– Verne Troyer as Bat-Mite (you saw it coming and there was nothing you could do)

None of this, I repeat, none of this is more insane or stupid than anything that was in Batman and Robin.