Tag Archive | Bill Clinton
February 12, 2012  

In Which I Expose The Arsenio Hall/Bill Clinton Conspiracy

June 3, 1992: Presidential candidate Bill Clinton engages a devastating political move when he appears on “The Arsenio Hall Show” to perform an Elvis Presley song via saxophone whilst wearing cool guy shades. The stunt endears Clinton to several vital demographics at once (urban youths aged 18-34, struggling Ray-Ban wholesalers, Clarence Clemons stalkers) and basically wins him the November election.

February 12, 1999: Despite voting for his impeachment just two months earlier, the U.S. Senate acquits President Bill Clinton of the perjury and obstruction of justice counts he committed during the Monica Lewinsky investigation. This date is also Arsenio Hall’s forty-third birthday.

WE’RE THROUGH THE LOOKING GLASS HERE, PEOPLE.

October 19, 2011  

They’ve Got My Vote

How magical are the words “Vice President Dell’Abate?”

September 27, 2011  

Kid ‘n Play’s Face The Nation Is Also Twenty Years Old This Month

I could write a five thousand word essay about how Chad Channing’s uncredited cymbal work on “Polly” is directly responsible for Bill Clinton’s first presidential victory, but it seems more pertinent right now to remind humanity that Kid ‘n Play also dropped an album on September 24, 1991. Face the Nation, the playful rap duo’s third and final effort, yielded a number one hit in “Ain’t Gonna Hurt Nobody” and gave the world an excuse to keep its parachute pants on for just that much longer. I like to think right now, up in Heaven, Kurt’s cabbage patching to this song with Jim, Jimi, and Tupac.

January 19, 2011  

Kanye = Nixon (Richard, Not Cynthia, Mojo, Or Trot)

Perhaps you read my Top Ten Albumz Of Twenty-Ten post for Crawdaddy.com (or, perhaps, you loathe end-of-the-year list-based nostalgia, and you didn’t). I was looking over this piece last night and, apropos of nothing, suddenly began wondering to which U.S. president each selection most closely corresponds. After an hour of furious pencil scribbling and equally frenzied naugahyde chewing, I had the answers below.

1. Kvelertak – Kvelertak

Teddy Roosevelt. Blustery, forceful, hearty. Doesn’t give up until its final breath.

2. Big Boi – Sir Lucious Left Foot: The Son Of Chico Dusty

Bill Clinton. Charismatic and focused with a layer of devious sexuality bubbling just below the surface.

3. OFF! – First Four Eps

Harry Truman. Short, cranky, but not without an indelible charm.

4. Bloodlights – Simple Pleasures

Dwight Eisenhower. Not breaking any new ground, but strangely comforting in its self-assured rule.

5. Devo – Something For Everybody

Calvin Coolidge. Keeping cool and using aloof as a weapon.

6. Das Racist – Shut Up, Dude

John F. Kennedy. Coasting on wit and intelligence just as much as image.

7. Kanye West – My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy

Richard Nixon. Unexpected accomplishment overshadowed by comically awful persona.

8. GBH – Perfume & Piss

Andrew Jackson. Charging in, causing a ruckus, refusing to apologize for boorish behavior.

9. The Sword – Warp Riders

Jimmy Carter. Laid back, on message, maybe a little too soft at times.

10. Thee Oh Sees – Warm Slime

Barack Obama. Thin, somewhat tropical, will probably make you smile despite fifteen minutes of saying nothing.

February 21, 2009  

Socks Clinton: 1989-2009

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Socks Clinton, the black and white American Shorthair who occupied the White House during the most skirt-chasin’-est Administration since that of Calvin Coolidge, died yesterday after a prolonged battle with throat cancer. He was 19 in human years.

Socks was by all accounts a good kitty. He always ate his num nums and never went poo poo on the rug. Buddy, the late chocolate lab Bill Clinton adopted in 1997 in a futile attempt to distract the nation from the amount of sloppy blowjobs he was getting in the Oval Office, once remarked about Socks, “Despite his stereotypical asshole cat behavior, I can’t help but like the son of a bitch”

The ultimate testament to the ubiquitous popularity of Socks Clinton is the fact he starred in his own video game, 1993’s completed-but-never-released Socks The Cat Rocks The Hill for Super Nintendo. To anyone’s knowledge, this is the only instance of a White House pet appearing in its own 16 bit side scroller (although it should be noted Amy Carter’s cat, Misty Malarky Ying Yang, did have her own psychic friends network in the late ’80s).

After leaving the White House in 2001, Socks lived a quiet and peaceful existence with former Clinton secretary Bettie Curie and her husband in Hollywood, Maryland. Friends close to the cat say he often spoke of mounting a comeback, but would generally be distracted by a piece of yarn or flashlight beam before any serious planning could be done.

Upon learning of his furry friend’s demise, Bill Clinton joked, “I can’t wait to be reunited with Socks the next time I order sesame chicken at Mr. Fung’s Choy Palace.” The former president then slapped his knee and laughed uproariously for ten to fifteen minutes.

No one had Socks Clinton in the death pool. That’s because he was a fucking cat.