…Check out this collage I made in sixth grade of all my core interests.
There is much to be ashamed of here. Most glaringly, Jay Leno staring out smugly from the lower right hand corner. I think this had more to do with the guy’s Dorito sponsorship than anything else. My late night guy back then was Letterman. Leno didn’t even have a show yet, and he wasn’t really in movies or other TV shows. My line of thinking was probably along the lines of, “That guy likes Doritos, and I like Doritos, so that’s alright.”
Jay Leno was nothing more than an advertising mascot to me, the same as the Noid or Spuds MacKenzie. He wasn’t as accomplished as Bob “Major League” Uecker or Jim Varney, who at the time had three Ernest movies under his belt.
Elsewhere on this nightmarish platter, a teddy bear dressed as Rambo sits next to a football player I cannot for the life of me identify, a Dancing Coke Can sports the “Deal With It” shades, and a Ninja Turtle nightlight lets the audience know I was still afraid of the dark by the time I reached middle school. Thank God I put two slices of pizza on this thing to make up for all that. Also, I like how George Burns is anchoring this entire hot mess. He is Lord over all he sees, and he reigns with a benevolent hand.
I was awarded a B+ for this artistic creation. Right now, I’m giving myself a flat C. A Hershey bar? Guess what, dingus, everyone likes chocolate. You’re not really telling me anything unique about yourself.
You know the one I’m talking about. RE: the awkward slavery joke—not defending it because I didn’t write it. That’s what happens when you’re a writer sometimes. Your bosses take your material and add awkward slavery jokes. I’m serious! Read the original script for “Roots” and you’ll see what I mean. That show was originally about a woman who owned a flower shop!
While I’m bitching here, there’s also a hard grammar fumble in the same paragraph as the slave joke that I had nothing to do with. My protests over this died in committee, but hey, it’s not the end of the world. I mean, it’s just one article. If I get shot tomorrow, I’ll still be mostly remembered for my role as “Boy Scout #2” on “Mr. Belvedere.” Bob Uecker was like a second father to me.
In other news, Michael Jackson’s secret girlfriend was an industrial refrigerator and his children are holograms!