Target finally rolled out the monster cereals yesterday (at least the one in Lake Mary, FL did) and, as you can see, now that I have my cardboard coffins of ghoul-themed sugar I’m happy as a clam.
The Boo Berry pictured was procured from Walgreens the same day I got my Yummy Mummy. Didn’t pick up the retro editions of those two ’cause I think I actually prefer the rebooted versions. Boo Berry’s new hat is more stylish than that 1920s thing he used to rock, and the Mummy…well, for lack of better phrasing, he just seems to have his shit more together this time around.
On his original packaging, the Mummy’s scratching his bandaged head with a perplexed look on his face, like, “Golly gee, I can’t believe I’m an undead cereal mascot!” The new Mummy is much more confident and in your face. He kinda scares me. “Hello, I’m an esteemed purveyor of tooth rot. Step to me and you’ll be sorry. Praise be to Tutankhamun.”
Thanks to my pal Devon for texting me the minute he spotted these whilst out shopping this afternoon. That’s true friendship.
I had a bowl of Chocolate Lucky Charms for breakfast this morning, and the sugary cocoa concoction reminded me that my favorite cereal of all-time is Count Chocula. Count Chocula’s a little hard to come by in Brooklyn, surprisingly. I’ve only seen it in one grocery store here. Have I mentioned this before? I feel like I have. At any rate, the only supplier of Count Chocula I know of in Kings County is too far away from my current residence for regular visits.
I suppose the main reason I cite Chocula as my favorite is the vampire motif. I love classic movie monsters, especially Bela Lugosi’s defining 1931 turn as Dracula. All the black and white Universal monsters are great. I also like the concept that by the 1970s these monsters had perhaps fallen on hard times. People just weren’t lining up to see them anymore, so they were forced to license their images to more kid-friendly fare. Hence, the arrival of sugar-loaded monster-themed cereals.
It should come as no surprise that Dracula snapped up the chocolate recipe for his cereal. Nothing’s more popular than chocolate. The Count knew this going in. You see, Dracula’s always had an academic edge over his monster brethren just by virtue of time. He’s been alive since the 1400s. Can you imagine how many books a person can read or how many lectures a person can attend in that time? Dracula had literal centuries to enrich his Transylvanian mind in all sorts of diverse fields (including basic marketing and consumer trends). You could send Frankenstein to Harvard AND Yale and it wouldn’t even be enough to match a fraction of Dracula’s smarts.
Count Chocula is also personally preferred over the other monster cereals due to the marshmallows. I don’t know about you, but I have an easier time pretending to eat bats than I do Frankenberry’s disembodied heads or Boo Berry’s chunks of blue ghost poo. Consuming a bat seems at least somewhere in the neighborhood of normal. If you were presented with those three items in real life—a dead bat, a severed human head, and ectoplasm—which would you be most likely to eat? I don’t imagine there’s too much meat on a person’s head, and ectoplasm probably tastes like snot.
Of course, the short-lived Fruit Brute cereal, whose mascot was the Wolfman, boasted lime-flavored marshmallows, and I think I’d much rather eat a lime than a bat. Fruit Brute was discontinued in 1983 when I was four; alas, I have never tasted its bounty. I suppose I should put an asterisk at the end of every written statement I make championing Count Chocula as my favorite cereal, noting that I’m still a Fruit Brute virgin.
You know who’s a Fruit Brute fan? Quentin Tarrantino. This is why I need to get famous – so I can meet him, befriend him, and get a few boxes I know he has stashed away somewhere. Quentin, I have a great idea for a Pulp Fiction sequel. It involves Rip Taylor, a wise-cracking bagel, and time travel. Call me.
The Second Annual JG2 Death Pool-O-Rama (in Color!) has officially begun. Below you will find an index of all the participants and their picks. Asterisks indicate tie-breakers. Tie-breakers shall only come in to play if two or more participants have the same exact score when the game ends on 4/1/09. Remember, players, murdering anyone on your list will result in immediate disqualification.
The oldest person in regular play is actor Norman Lloyd. The youngest? Dakota Fanning. Scoring is based on the person’s age subtracted from a hundred. Let’s take a look now at who everyone has…
Andy Griffith (born June 1, 1926)
Martin Landau (born June 20, 1931)
Charlton Heston (born October 4, 1923)
Walter Cronkite (born November 4, 1916)
Kirk Douglas (born December 9, 1916)
Zsa Zsa Gabor (born February 6, 1917)
Fidel Castro (born August 13, 1926)
Amy Winehouse (born 14 September 1983)
Dick Clark (born November 30, 1929)*
Mickey Rooney (born September 23, 1920)*
Wink Martindale (born December 4, 1934)
Dick Clark (born November 30, 1929)
Dakota Fanning (born February 23, 1994)
Joan Rivers (born June 8, 1933)
Bruce Jenner (born October 28, 1949)
Scott Weiland (born October 27, 1967)
Peter Mayhew (born May 19, 1944)
Kirk Douglas (born December 9, 1916)
Terrell Owens (born December 7, 1973)*
Casey Kasem (born April 27, 1932)*
Harry Morgan (born April 10, 1915)
Van Johnson (born August 25, 1916)
Steve-O (born June 13, 1974)
Tracy Morgan (born November 10, 1968 )
Jared Leto (born December 26, 1971)
Phyllis Diller (born July 17, 1917)
Michael Jackson (born August 29, 1958 )
Mary-Kate Olsen (born June 13, 1986)
Ed Asner (born November 15, 1929)*
Dick Miller (born December 25, 1928)*
Peter O’Toole (born August 2, 1932)
Berry Gordy (born November 28, 1929)
George Carlin (born May 12, 1937)
Eartha Kitt (born January 17, 1927)
Tom Sizemore (born September 29, 1964)
Harry Carey, Jr. (born May 16, 1921)
Mickey Rooney (born September 23, 1920)
Blake Edwards (born July 26, 1922)
Paul Newman (born January 26, 1925)*
Clint Eastwood (born May 31, 1930)*
Wilfred Brimley (born September 27, 1934)
Angela Lansbury (born October 16, 1925)
Walter Kronkite (born November 4, 1916)
Maya Angelou (born April 4, 1928 )
Yogi Berra (born May 12, 1925)
James Whitmore (born October 1, 1921)
Nancy Reagan (born on July 6, 1921)
Norman Lloyd (born November 8, 1914)
Pope Benedict XVI (born on April 16, 1927)*
Lemmy Kilmister (born on December 24, 1945)*
These lists look pretty solid. I predict a tight race. I shall keep all participants and interested parties abreast of celebrity deaths and their effect on the game via this blog. Who will win the coveted Outback Steakhouse Gift Certificate/”Full House: Season 2″ DVD set/vintage Boo Berry shirt/some other piece of crap worth thirty bones? Only time will tell. Good luck to all the players and happy vulturing!