1. See The Bucket List.
2. Write a letter to Jack Nicholson telling him whether or not I liked The Bucket List.
3. Relieve myself at Lon Chaney’s birthplace.
4. Stand in the middle of a stream and wait for passing fish to tickle me.
5. Get a tattoo of Chewbacca making love to Gerald Ford.
6. Release a squirrel on the field during the Super Bowl.
7. Form a steampunk tribute to Jefferson Airplane called Jefferson Dirigible or Jefferson Gyro Copter.
8. Go to a Chuck E. Cheese in New Jersey with Artie Lange.
9. Purchase the finest bottle of absinthe money can buy and feed it to a bunch of stray cats in front of a crowd of people who would be offended by that kind of thing.
10. Interrupt an awards show speech to condemn PETA for the Timothy McVeigh thing.
11. Meet Jim J. Bullock.
12. Build a replica of the Ectomobile with a giant picture of Rip Taylor’s face on the doors instead of the Ghostbusters logo.
13. Reunite Keenan and Kel.
14. Hire a bunch of kids to follow me around for a week dressed as the Little Rascals.
15. Hire a bunch of adults to follow me around for a week dressed as the California Raisins.
16. Meet the guy who created the California Raisins and pull out all his nose hairs with my fingers.
17. Convince Nicholas Cage to make three more Ghost Riders.
18. Convince my family that I’m a werewolf and I must spend Christmas alone for their safety.
19. Personally challenge Billy Mitchell to a game of Donkey Kong and, as soon as the game begins, pour a bottle of his own hot sauce directly into his eyes.
20. Attend a funeral dressed as Disco Stu from “The Simpsons.”