Tag Archive | Chuck Biscuits

Randy Quaid Is In Deep Shit (And I Don’t Care)

You may have noticed no news has developed on the Chuck Biscuits interview front. There’s an explanation for this, but I don’t really know if it’s cool for me to talk about it here. Suffice to say exterior forces have reared their ugly head and all I can do is wait. Patiently. Hopefully fortunes shall reverse and the interview will take place as planned. If not, I’ll eventually unravel the entire sordid affair (which surprisingly does not involve as many clowns or stolen ice cream trucks as you’d imagine).

Things I learned watching Nerdcore Rising (a.k.a. See, White Guys Rap About D&D & Calculus Like This): MC Frontalot is way more likable than previously imagined; “Weird Al” apparently likes to prop up a bunch of his old CDs when pressed for set decoration; Jello Biafra NEVER has time to SIT DOWN to be interviewed for ANYTHING because he’s SO BUSY SPREADING THE TRUTH and having nasty herpes-looking scars on his lip; MC Frontalot has a full band and not just a guy and a laptop like MC Chris; MC Frontalot is Pat Boone to MC Chris’s Carl Perkins.

Putting Masters Of The Universe and Flash Gordon at the top of my Netflix queue seemed like a good idea Monday night; now that arrival of these discs is pending, I regret not falling down a well Tuesday morning.

While we’re on the subject of talkies, the trailer for the Nightmare On Elm Street remake looks promising:

Sadly, this probably means they aren’t making Freddy vs. Jason vs. Bruce Campbell vs. Predator or whatever the hell the Freddy vs. Jason sequel was supposed to be. Oh well. We’ll always have our dreams, won’t we, fan boys? By the way, this Nightmare remake is being helmed by “Smells Like Teen Spirit” video director Sam Bayer, who totally looks like a cross between Mickey Rourke and that guy from Nickelback:

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No wonder Kurt Cobain gave him such a hard time.

Okay, so we’re all in agreement that the best episode of “Saturday Night Live” ever was the one Sinbad hosted, right? I just wanted to make sure. That “Black Lightening” shit is more hilarious than Seth Meyers’s entire career.

Someone please buy me the t-shirt pictured below as soon as possible:

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What’s funny is that kid is probably in fuckin’ Cleveland.

So, I have a YouTube account, and I have a video camera, but I can never think of any good video ideas. If you don’t believe me, look for yourself. That’s the best I could come up with in two weeks. I don’t think I was made to vlog.

It’s Fran Drescher’s birthday today. Make up your own “OMG, she sounds like a bleating sheep!” joke.

Page From A Diary That Doesn’t Exist

Talks continue with Chuck Biscuits RE: interview. Still hard to believe I’m going back and forth with that guy. Watch it turn out to be his twin brother Leo Biscuits. That FAIL would sting like an Alfonso Ribeiro steroid scandal.

Hmmm. You know, come to think of it, Carlton did get pretty beefy towards the end of “Fresh Prince.” Compare the following two photos—on the left, a shot of Alfonso circa season one; on the right, an Alfonso promo pic from the show’s final season:

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I don’t care where you’re from—that shit is freaky.

“My Name Is Earl” was canceled this week. What’s Jason Lee’s mustache going to do for work now?

Iron Maiden’s Greatest Hits has been sitting next to my bed since Christmas, daring me to a second listen. I don’t know, bro—“Wickerman” was NOT as good as I remembered it being. Plus, Nicko McBrain looks like some kind of lame yacht salesman in every photo on that CD, like he won some contest to hang out with Iron Maiden for a day. I’m not down with that.

Barack Obama hugged John McCain’s son yesterday at the latter’s Naval Academy graduation ceremony. In retaliation, Senator McCain lured the President’s daughters to his secret underground lair in the desert and trapped them both in a giant sand-filled hourglass.

The above joke was my official tryout for any talk show looking for writers. Hollywood – you know where to find me.

@HitlerzBunk: Oh no u guys—thought this pill was vitamins. FML. 😦

@Jonestown: Wouldn’t mind this mass suicide too much if we had some BUG SPRAY LOL.

@ChManson: does any1 know if my dog is ok? I forgot to tell him I was going to prison 4ever.

@CookieMNSTR: frog say we do new movie. sick of eating vegetables. hate children. why i not wear pants? time to poop.

I had lunch yesterday at Amy Ruth’s in Harlem. The menu there has a big section showcasing photos of the owner with various celebrities and heads of state. The one image that really stood out featured Coretta Scott King. While all the other photos were clearly posed—as if these people actually came into Amy Ruth’s for chicken and waffles or whatever—this photo of Mrs. King saw her riding in a golf cart, like she was in some kind of parade or something, while the Amy Ruth’s guy stood in a nearby crowd. He was looking at her, but she wasn’t looking at him. Very Fellini-esque, you could say. I guess you have to take whatever you can get sometimes.

Athletico Spizz 80’s Do A Runner album is growing on me, despite my general distaste for British post-punk. Does that speak to its excellence or my maturity? Titty-fuck if I know.

I have been administering my own haircuts for five months now. I feel so liberated. Yet, I do long for the sensitive touch of an elderly male barber. Too bad haircuts cost $25 in this godforsaken city. That’s one thing I miss about the South. It was a scandal if any scissor geez jacked his prices up past six dollars.

There is a park / observatory on the New Jersey side of the George Washington Bridge that I’d like to visit before I die. Dare I start a bucket list? I think I just figured out what I’m doing with my Saturday.

Chuck Biscuits To JG2: “I Am Awake In The Land Of Tree-Huggin’ Bunny-Fuckers.”

Last month for Crawdaddy! I wrote an open letter to missing-in-action punk/metal drum legend Chuck Biscuits demanding he reveal his current whereabouts and explain his lengthy absence from the rock n’ roll scene. The whole thing was just a goof, really; I never expected this piece to garner anything but a few chuckles from those in the know. I mean, honestly – only two people commented on “An Open Letter To Chuck Biscuits,” and they were both me!

So, you can imagine my complete and utter shock last night when I opened up my Gmail and discovered a brief message waiting for me from the reclusive man in question himself, Mr. Charles Montgomery “Chuck” Biscuits. Yeah, you read that right—Chuck Biscuits sent me an e-mail last night. Cue montage of mushroom clouds, women fainting, and cats rubbing their eyes in disbelief.

I shan’t reveal the entire body of text Mr. B sent me, although I will tell you the former Danzig member confirmed that he is currently “awake” and “rotting twice to the gut” in “the land of the flanneled, tree-huggin’ bunny-fuckers” (does that mean Seattle or Northern California?). A picture was included to verify that I was in fact reading a passage written by the one and only Chuck Biscuits:

BISCUITS

So true.

A dialogue has been opened with Chuck concerning an in-depth, one-on-one interview for CDad; I shall keep you updated on any developments. In the meantime, I invite all the JG2 haters to bask in the vaporizing glow of my rock n’ roll hermit magnetism powers.

1983 Was A Good Year For Franken Berry

Chuck Biscuits: without question, one of the best drummers in the history of rock. Aside from being able to play with incredible accuracy at jaw-dropping speeds, this elusive Canadian freelancer also hit the skins with remarkable strength. He seemed to improve the sound of every band he was in – especially the Circle Jerks and Social D. Those two groups completely plateaued when ol’ Chucky B was behind the kit. Observe:

The general rock community also seems to agree that the only worthwhile period of Danzig’s solo career was 1988 – 1994, the years Chuck was pounding Glenn’s skins. It’s hard to argue that point after listening to “Godless”:

Yet music was not the only forte of the talented Mr. Biscuits (I know I’m talking like he’s dead, but he’s not—just retired). Did you know Chuck also holds a PhD in the competitive field of cerealogy? It’s true. The guy who played so many of the hot beats on Tougher Than Leather knows more about breakfast than me, you, or your wacky grandmother:

Best quote: “There’s strict instructions with these not to be opened until mere moments before Doomsday…”

I heard about this clip for years, and I have to say it exceeded my expectations. Someone needs to get Chuck Biscuits a regular spot on the Food Network immediately (maybe he can replace this tool). With his humorous baritone and respectable delivery, Chuck would be the hero of housewives and snot-nosed young children everywhere.