Another lean year, but hey, it was the first. I had no idea what was going on. Nobody did. It was 2008! Justin Bieber hadn’t even been invented yet!
Restricted Words, Phrases, & Names During Meal Time
Crazy-Ass Dream: Curly Audition
Unsolicited Review of The Nine Leaked Guns N’ Roses Songs
Corey Feldman Has Issues (With Michael Jackson)
Fake George McFly Speaks!
Unsolicited Dark Knight Review
Steak & Ale: 1966-2008
Four Very Useless Photoshops
“I Want Him To Sound Like Truman Capote.”
Crazy-Ass Dream: Nirvana Kiddie Concert
Memorable Customers I Encountered During My 2 Year Stint At Taco Bell
Indiana Jones & The Oh Man, They Taste Like Old Cocoa Puffs
Sarah Palin Shoots Chewbacca’s Father Just To Watch Him Die
Uncensored Pictures Of Hot Steamy Greasers
Halloween ’92: Epic Fail
Commenting Upon Various Time Magazine Covers
“Speak Of This Not.”
Corey Feldman stars in Exile, which is where most people wanted to see this guy circa 1990. I mean how more on the money can you get? David Leisure in a movie called Losing Bar Fight? Actually, this is pretty close to that final episode of “Family Matters” where they literally shot Steve Urkel into space. They read America’s mind on that one. Sorry, Jaleel, no hope for a reunion ep ten years down the road.
Thanks to Vamos Video for reminding me that one of the Coreys remade Lord of the Flies for network television. Oy gevalt.
President Obama watching Lost Boys: The Tribe earlier this month.
WASHINGTON — The White House on Sunday defended President Barack Obama’s scathing response to the death of actor Corey Haim last week from what is believed to be a prescription drug overdose.
Senior adviser David Axelrod and press secretary Robert Gibbs refused to retreat from Obama’s Wednesday remark that “the wrong Corey died,” made just a few feet from a gaggle of fans in serious mourning. The two White House officials defended Obama’s suggestion that America on the whole preferred Haim to his onscreen partner of eight films, Corey Feldman.
“Regardless of his acting talents, I think we can all agree Corey Feldman is an insufferable prick,” Axelrod said. “I mean, did you see him on ‘The Surreal Life’ that one season, refusing to go fishing with all the other has-beens? He was acting like Gandhi, for Christ’s sake. Get over yourself already.”
Supreme Court Justice John Roberts said this week that Obama’s unusually harsh criticism of Corey Feldman was “very troubling” and questioned whether the president was familiar with the actor’s work in The ‘Burbs.
“I’m not sure the President ever saw that particular film,” said Roberts. “Feldman turned in a top notch performance, one that almost makes you forget about that terrible song he wrote for his wife a few years ago.”
Roberts, a well-known Corey Feldman fan who keeps several autographed photos of the Goonies star in his chambers, said anyone is free to criticize the actor and that some have an obligation to do so because of their positions.
“I think even Feldman himself could accept criticism from a former teen star higher up on the ladder, like a Scott Baio or a David Cassidy,” he said. “President Obama, however, at least to the best of my knowledge, has never even done any community theater, let alone landed two Spielberg movies before the age of twenty while simultaneously befriending Michael Jackson.”
Obama was overheard discussing Corey Haim’s death with a member of the Secret Service on Wednesday while taking the family dog Bo for a walk around the South Lawn.
“Man, I’m telling you, I just watched that Lost Boys sequel, and the wrong Corey died,” Obama said.
GIbbs defended Obama’s remarks.
“What’s important is that, in the coming months, we remember all the great work and honest performances Corey Haim blessed us with, and although he may have abused prescription drugs, he never really acted like he was too cool for school like that other squinty-eyed, pasty nightmare named Corey,” he said.
Since the not-very-surprising death of
Peter Pan Michael Jackson last week, the most visited post on JG2Land has been a little something I wrote almost exactly one year ago about the bitter feud between MJ and Goonies star Corey Feldman. Admittedly, it was a pretty one-sided affair: the Feld Man was apparently in New York City on 9/11, and none of the rescue limos his good pal Jacko sent into Manhattan came to pick him up. Boo hoo. At least he got out alive. About 6,000 people who didn’t star in Goonies can’t say that.
Of course Feldman has a blog, but I didn’t think to take a look at in the days immediately following MJ’s death. I guess I was more concerned with the welfare of Mike’s beloved chimp friend Bubbles. Anywho, I just dialed up Corey’s blog, and of course he wrote a post about his ex-BFF the King of Pop. He talks about the beef, but what’s interesting is the date he throws out as the starting point for their falling out:
“Unfortunately Michael and I had a falling out on Septenmber 10th 2001 and that broken friendship had never been repaired.”
Emphasis added. As you can see, Feldman spelled “September” wrong, which is perfectly alright considering the emotional state he was probably in when he wrote this. However, September TENTH? I thought this feud began after Mike refused to rescue Corey from the war zone that was lower Manhattan one day later. Is it possible that, in his grief over MJ’s death, Corey accidentally forgot that 9/11 literally happened on 9/11? Has the date on his calculator watch been one day behind for eight years now?
OR, or, did Corey Feldman just slip up and inadvertently admit the American government had prior knowledge of the September 11th terrorist attacks? Did this Corey / MJ feud actually begin one day earlier when Uncle Sam issued a secret warning to all the rich people / celebrities / Michael Jackson pals living in Manhattan to high-tail it outta there? In that case, why couldn’t Feldman just hail a cab? Why was he so reliant on Jacko’s limo service? Is he that lazy?
Maybe Corey wasn’t on the list of people who got the advanced warning. Maybe he just overheard something about it in some V.I.P. lounge he was about to be kicked out of, and then he called Michael to see what the hell was going on. Mike was probably like, “Sorry, bra, I only got so many limos.” Thus began the feud.
Hey, stranger things have happened.
My friend John brought up a good point about the whole MJ-sending-limos-to-rescue-his-celeb-pals-on-9/11. Can you imagine how much you would have had to pay anyone to drive into Manhattan on 9/11 or 9/12 (or even 9/10 if they knew the city was going to be attacked)? Sure, Michael Jackson could have afforded it, but what if Jack Klugman had friends trapped in Tribeca or Chinatown? I’m sure he probably did. Who was gonna rescue Jack Klugman’s friends? That guy couldn’t afford $60,000 a limo or whatever insane amount you’d have to pay me to drive into Manhattan on or after 9/11.
Until Feldman clarifies his statement, I’m pegging him part of the conspiracy. Charlie Sheen was right, man. If anyone needs me, I’ll be in my bomb shelter.
So I’m reading this interview with Corey Feldman where he talks a little bit about his recently revealed molestation, and the interviewer brings up the obvious:
You were friends, famously, with Michael Jackson. Are you worried that people will assume he did this to you?”
Feldman responds saying it wasn’t Michael, but that he and the King of Pop have their own “issues.” I guess Corey is still pissed MJ left he ass stranded in New York after 9/11.
Oh, did you all forget about that? Verily: in the hours (days?) immediately following the terrorist attacks, Michael Jackson is said to have sent special help to pals Marlon Brando and Liz Taylor so they could (ahem) escape from New York. I recall this “special help” being private helicopters, but the blurb I just read recounting this story claimed the mode of transportation was limousines.
Anyway, Jackson ferried Brando and Taylor out of the Big Apple but left his pal Feldman all alone in the danger zone. What Corey Feldman was doing in NYC in September of 2001 is anybody’s guess (conspiracy!), but ever since Jacko’s rescue snub, the singer’s been all but dead to the former Goonies star. Feldman even released a song dissing the Gloved One a few years ago called “Megalo-Man” (I heard that shit once and I can assure you it’s more ridiculous than anything KISS recorded post-makeup).
I guess this feud is going to continue until Michael Jackson apologizes, but if I were Corey I wouldn’t hold my breath. If Mike’s not sorry for inviting young boys to sleep in his bed (even after two separate charges of child molestation), I don’t think he gives a shit about leaving the star of Dream A Little Dream in New York after 9/11. I mean, that’s literally one of those life-or-death, who-do-you-save? situations. If Marlon Brando, Liz Taylor, and Corey Feldman were drowning and there were only two life preservers, I bet you nine out of ten people would be like, “Corey who?”
Personally, if I were Michael Jackson, I would take Feldman over Brando or Taylor, mainly because he’s younger and probably strong enough to help build a fallout shelter. Lord knows I wouldn’t want to soil my silk shirt and matching surgical mask lifting pieces of lumber or pouring cement. Leave that to peons like Feldman and Macaulay Culkin. Now that would be the way to go—rounding up former child stars in post-apocalyptic New York City to help build a celebrity fallout shelter. There’s a reality show that should have happened.
Wait, can we pause for a minute here and reflect upon the fact that, in this bizarre disaster film-type scenario, Michael Jackson did the normal thing? He rescued his two most famous friends. Jesus, Michael Jackson did something normal. That just goes to show you how fucked up things were in this country around 9/12.
But I digress. Don’t be sad, Corey Feldman. I promise during the next major American disaster, I will personally hire a limo to get you to safety. That’s an official JG2 promise to you. Thanks again for all your great work. I still like you alright, even if Wil Wheaton says you were an absolute nightmare on the set of Stand By Me.