Sleeveless shirts totally improve my guitar playing. Steve Vai and Yngwie Malmsteen can shove their ugly fucking scalloped guitars up their expanded assholes. Sleeveless shirts have way more impact. These guys are just too fucking lame to get it.”
The above quote comes from Bloodlights front man Captain Poon, whom I recently interviewed for Crawdaddy! Check it out if you’re into the Scandinavian rock scene. If you’re not, you could always read this shit I wrote about Devo.
Speaking of hard labor, an article I wrote about rock star day jobs is slated to be published in the next Canadian edition of Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader. That junk just went to press, so it should be hitting book store shelves soon (end of the month?). I invite all the toque-wearing hose-heads trapped in America’s hat to get down on JG2’s first international funky book joint.
Hey, does anyone else remember when Zakk Wylde didn’t look like Captain Caveman? Way back in the early nineties, I mean. Back then, Zakk was just some normal-ass blonde guitar guy. At what point exactly did he transform into Beardo, the Beer-Swilling Rock Grizzly? Lately I’ve been walking by the Guitar Center near Union Square in the city a lot, and they have this big poster in the window of Zakk pre-Grizzly days. It’s very weird. Without his signature hypno-guitar, you’d never be able to identify him.
Meanwhile, next to dashing young Zakk, they have this photo of the Ramones from around the time they broke up. Joey and the gang look like the saddest, oldest sacks you’ve ever seen (Joey is totally rockin’ his purple XXL “I don’t give a fuck anymore” shirt in this pic). It’s sort of criminal that a business in NYC is allowed to display such a haggard photo of the Ramones. I’d complain, but that would require walking in to Guitar Center and talking to some jagoff who looks like every guy in Crazy Town.
“What’s up, bro? Can I help you with anything? You need some light gauge strings or something?”
In case you were wondering, the title of this post is a reference to a hilarious food-based parody I wrote of that old Alice In Chains chestnut “Man In The Box.” Hopefully I’ll finish my time machine soon so I can go back to 1992 and force “Weird Al” to record it. Then I’ll be rich as shit and I’ll never have any problems again.
You know what I’m really dreading? That Runaways movie with Kristen Stewart and Dakota Fanning. I bet that’s just gonna be melted dog shit.
The Second Annual JG2 Death Pool-O-Rama (in Color!) has officially begun. Below you will find an index of all the participants and their picks. Asterisks indicate tie-breakers. Tie-breakers shall only come in to play if two or more participants have the same exact score when the game ends on 4/1/09. Remember, players, murdering anyone on your list will result in immediate disqualification.
The oldest person in regular play is actor Norman Lloyd. The youngest? Dakota Fanning. Scoring is based on the person’s age subtracted from a hundred. Let’s take a look now at who everyone has…
Andy Griffith (born June 1, 1926)
Martin Landau (born June 20, 1931)
Charlton Heston (born October 4, 1923)
Walter Cronkite (born November 4, 1916)
Kirk Douglas (born December 9, 1916)
Zsa Zsa Gabor (born February 6, 1917)
Fidel Castro (born August 13, 1926)
Amy Winehouse (born 14 September 1983)
Dick Clark (born November 30, 1929)*
Mickey Rooney (born September 23, 1920)*
Wink Martindale (born December 4, 1934)
Dick Clark (born November 30, 1929)
Dakota Fanning (born February 23, 1994)
Joan Rivers (born June 8, 1933)
Bruce Jenner (born October 28, 1949)
Scott Weiland (born October 27, 1967)
Peter Mayhew (born May 19, 1944)
Kirk Douglas (born December 9, 1916)
Terrell Owens (born December 7, 1973)*
Casey Kasem (born April 27, 1932)*
Harry Morgan (born April 10, 1915)
Van Johnson (born August 25, 1916)
Steve-O (born June 13, 1974)
Tracy Morgan (born November 10, 1968 )
Jared Leto (born December 26, 1971)
Phyllis Diller (born July 17, 1917)
Michael Jackson (born August 29, 1958 )
Mary-Kate Olsen (born June 13, 1986)
Ed Asner (born November 15, 1929)*
Dick Miller (born December 25, 1928)*
Peter O’Toole (born August 2, 1932)
Berry Gordy (born November 28, 1929)
George Carlin (born May 12, 1937)
Eartha Kitt (born January 17, 1927)
Tom Sizemore (born September 29, 1964)
Harry Carey, Jr. (born May 16, 1921)
Mickey Rooney (born September 23, 1920)
Blake Edwards (born July 26, 1922)
Paul Newman (born January 26, 1925)*
Clint Eastwood (born May 31, 1930)*
Wilfred Brimley (born September 27, 1934)
Angela Lansbury (born October 16, 1925)
Walter Kronkite (born November 4, 1916)
Maya Angelou (born April 4, 1928 )
Yogi Berra (born May 12, 1925)
James Whitmore (born October 1, 1921)
Nancy Reagan (born on July 6, 1921)
Norman Lloyd (born November 8, 1914)
Pope Benedict XVI (born on April 16, 1927)*
Lemmy Kilmister (born on December 24, 1945)*
These lists look pretty solid. I predict a tight race. I shall keep all participants and interested parties abreast of celebrity deaths and their effect on the game via this blog. Who will win the coveted Outback Steakhouse Gift Certificate/”Full House: Season 2″ DVD set/vintage Boo Berry shirt/some other piece of crap worth thirty bones? Only time will tell. Good luck to all the players and happy vulturing!