Over the weekend rapper Canibus disgraced himself (and, some believe, the entire hip hop game) by putting in a startlingly weak performance at King of the Dot’s Vendetta: Battle Royale freestyle competition in California. How bad was it? Well, at one point Canibus took out a notepad. Not even Vanilla Ice has ever stooped to that bush league of a move, and he’s Vanilla Ice.
So, alright, Canibus had himself a bad go. Maybe his car got booted prior to facing MC Dizaster at Vendetta, or maybe he had just found out about Dan Harmon’s unceremonious firing from “Community.” Or maybe Canibus went into that rap battle still suffering from the effects of a recent abduction by giant sentient leeches who attempted to siphon off some of his brain waves.
If you guessed door number three, congratulations. You just won a lifetime supply of Rice-a-Roni, the San Francisco treat.
I want to make it clear the only aspect of this story’s validity I am currently calling into question is the fact the sourced Tumblr features but one post and does not seem to be cross-referenced in any way with Canibus’s official website. On the other hand, if I had been abducted by aliens via a “satellite device that projects fear,” I’d probably go a little off-grid as well. So here’s the explanation, allegedly coming directly from Canibus (a.k.a. the Ripper) himself, regarding his lousy Vendetta performance:
Recently, I had an incident that caused an atomic-like reaction on to the world wide web. I stepped into a lyrical battlefield to face a challenger who was worthy of my best, yet, could not receive the best of what the Ripper could present due to complicated circumstances. Unfortunately, Rippers, I could not be at my best and my explanation for this is something only someone with a proper attached device in their mechanism can comprehend.
“A few days before KOTD’s Vendetta event, I was abducted by human blood-sucking leeches who did not make their identity known, but I assume were agents of the dark world. While in my vehicle ready to pay for a toll, a helicopter attached with a satellite device that promotes fear flew directly over me. Upon being aware of what was happening I decided to escape on foot and flee from this radioactive device that can cause mental and emotional harm to any man—even a man who possesses the brain waves of a complicated degree such as myself. As I abandoned my vehicle, I got to a fence and as I climbed underneath, the helicopter got visual contact on its target and there was nothing I could do. Completely lost in a parallel universe I was removed from consciousness and as I woke up I had secret agents of some kind asking me why I decided to battle in this event that was being broadcasted world-wide. I explained to them it was strictly hip hop-related but they did not believe me. They used Chinese water torture methods at first to try to break my spirits to no avail. They attached wires to my skull and moved on to ‘Alternative 2.’ They then inquired about my knowledge of secret societies and about my experiences in the military.
“…As I was being interrogated by these agents recently I managed to escape thanks to one of the agents who was a fan of mine. I asked him what his favorite Canibus verse was and he told me that he doesn’t know me as Canibus but rather as Subject 9. This man was kind enough to help me escape but eventually I was hit with some type of dart in the back of my neck and the last thing I remember was falling on the back of my head (hence the stitches). I woke up in the back of a cop car then asked the officers why my head was bleeding and my shoulder felt separated. They said they found me like that and that I should have a better understanding of what happened to me. They asked me if I remembered anything and I told them, ‘No.’ It was the safest move to make because they could easily have been disguised agents ordered to see what my mental state was like.
“The day of the battle my memory and mental state wasn’t 100% due to these circumstances. I knew this so I brought my copybook to practice the 30 plus pages of infinite rhymes that I had structured for [my opponent] Dizaster. The stitches in the back of my head were hurting me and my shoulder was killing me but the Ripper doesn’t need medication, he controls pain with his mind. At the event I was very confident with the likes of Supernatural behind me and the guy who’s strong stomach was showing—but to protect him from any abduction I won’t reveal his name—Let’s just call him Subject 10. The crowd showed me energy as well and as I delivered my first round I could see in Dizaster’s eyes he was intimidated by the mind with the infinite rhyme. Eventually the traumatic effect I suffered days before caught up to me and I could no longer be as sharp as I needed to be. The fans paid money, as did the KOTD staff, so even though there was nothing left in my mental tank, I reached for what is now the infamous notepad and decided to read my infinite rhymes. Needless to say, the results were underwhelming and it didn’t look right, but now, realizing the actions that preceded the event I’m sure you all understand.
“Firstly, I want to apologize first to ‘Subject 10’ whose vehicle I abandoned when the agents were approaching me. Secondly, I’d like to apologize to Supernat because I made him come support me and stand behind me for that embarrassment. Thirdly, I’d like to apologize to all the Rippers in attendance who I let down. Finally, I’d like to apologize to Dizaster and the entire KOTD staff. I tried my best and stood there like the solider I am but there was nothing I can do. As I said in the event, I could only do what I can do. For everyone who seems to be making a mockery out of my just remember this; dinosaurs once ruled the planet, Rome was once a powerhouse, The Blazers drafted Greg Oden, and every dog has its day. Doubt me and you will be defeated.”
Seems just crazy enough to be true. Abduction buffs: Have you ever heard of these sentient leeches, and if so, do we know of their plans to infiltrate hip hop? How dangerous are they compared to the lizard people? Are Obama and Joe Biden giant sentient leeches in disguise? Is that the real reason they had that recent falling out with Cory Booker?
Stanton T. Friedman and Giorgio Tsoukalos, get at me.