A: Junkyard Dog. He was my favorite growing up because he was affiliated with dogs, and as a kid I thought dogs were the most interesting animals on Earth (to the point that I remember watching television with my parents and constantly thinking, Why don’t they put more dogs on these shows? Why is this news person talking to another news guy when he could be talking to a dog?). JYD remains top tier in my heart because in addition to the canine thing he was pretty no frills and I’ve only heard decent things about his life outside the squared circle.
Runners up include Bret Hart (for his lifelong commitment to the jheri curl and hot pink), Stone Cold, that guy who wore the chinchilla(?) coat with the glitter-bombed Stormtrooper helmet, and Val Venis (because that name is more perverse than watching Jason Biggs wand a pie).
Today is Festivus, the holiday “Seinfeld” fans cling to because it reminds them Wayne Knight once had a career. I’m not about that feats of strength nonsense, but I can get down on some grievance airing. Let’s roll:
Dad: When you cut down the trees next to your house, you did not take into account the fact I would one day return to watch TV on the family room couch. Now, as I lay down to enjoy reruns of “King Of The Hill,” the setting sun shines unrelentingly into my eyes. I feel like a solar eclipse is occurring atop my face. This shall not stand.
Major Video Game Company Corporate Offices: Don’t send two people on vacation at the same time and have their individual voicemails direct you to the other person. That’s fucked. Get your head outta your ass.
France: Two Hundred Euros for blue jeans? Really? Wait ’til I go to Paris and open a T.J. Maxx. Your citizens are gonna flip a biscuit when they find jeans for twenty bucks.
Deli Near My House: Why you ain’t got blueberries whenever I go down there exclusively to get blueberries? Funk dat!
Dog Who Stood In The Doorway Of The Thrift Shop I Went To Today: You think you’re better than me? You can’t stop me from leaving. You can’t force me to buy anything. You don’t even have opposable thumbs.
People Who Made The Second Alvin & The Chipmunks Movie: In the gentle words of Pearl S. Buck, you go to hell. You go to hell and you die.
John Krasinski: Get a new facial expression.
Jack In The Box: If you aren’t going to open any locations in New York City, stop advertising there. You get me all worked up for a breakfast sandwich, and then I remember the closest JITB is in Ohio. Suck my butt.
Old Men In Airports: Last time I checked, I did not have a sign hanging around my neck that says, “TALK TO ME ABOUT COLLEGE FOOTBALL.” Please keep this in mind when you look at me and begin opening your mouth to make some point about Appalachian State.
Onions: Taste better raw.
Farts: Smell better.
Phew. That felt pretty good!
1. Everybody here has done coke. I mean everybody. Anyone who hasn’t done it wants to do it and is probably about to do it right now.
2. Rollie Fingers mustaches are back in style. They don’t look good on anyone except Rollie Fingers.
3. The City That Never Sleeps goes to sleep around midnight. The only shit open after that are a couple of cafes in the Village and all the dance clubs. If you’re up past three, have fun drinking six dollar expressos and sweating your ass off to La Bouche.
4. There’s no Count Chocula anywhere in this city.
5. The toll plazas will always catch you if you go through the E-Z Pass lane with no E-Z Pass.
6. Staten Island makes most of New Jersey look like Connecticut.
7. Nothing you buy in Chinatown will ever work properly (not even the t-shirts).
8. I kind of like horseradish.
9. All the dogs here are either large enough to be mistaken for small bears or small enough to be mistaken for large rats. There is no such thing as a normal-sized dog in New York City.
10. Middle names are on their way out.