Like most human beings alive between the years of 2003 and 2006, I have a Myspace profile. I kept a blog there before I started this one, and you know what? A lot of what I wrote there was really interesting / funny / much better than the crap I’ve been writing here lately. So I’m going to begin intermittently resurrecting entries from that blog on JG2Land, so that they may live on in a non-creepy social networking / stalking environment. Here’s Zombie Myspace Blog Entry #1:
TOP TEN WORST ALBUMS OF 2007
Because my friend Jennifer asked nicely, here are my picks for the worst albums of 2007.
1. The Libertines – Time For Heroes: The Best Of The Libertines
I made my disdain for the Libertines clear in this slightly controversial Crawdaddy! piece. I stand by everything I said before; you legally should not be allowed to release a greatest hits album after only two regular studio albums, they sound like a wet napkin anyway, and Pete Doherty is a scab-covered danger to kittens.
2. Arcade Fire – Neon Bible
I liked ’em better the first time…when they were called XTC. Great, now I owe David Spade eight bucks. This album makes me feel empty and sad, like Bud Bowl (or if I saw a literal arcade on fire). I don’t think I’ll ever get the whole mopey, depressed pop thing.
3. The Stooges – The Weirdness
They didn’t just phone this one in—they faxed it in. Telegraph, possibly. Pony Express? Much like The Phantom Menace, I saw the crushing disappointment coming a mile away here. Yeah, five rich dudes in their fifties are totally gonna be able to rock like it’s 1968 again, no problem! Assholes.
4. Insane Clown Posse – The Tempest
All five or six joker’s cards have been revealed, so now these guys are rapping about roller coasters. Okay, whatever. This actually may be brilliant. It’s kind of hard to tell. I have a feeling a lot of history will have to go by before we can accurately assess ICP and their legacy. For now, though, this quasi-Six Flags commercial can jog the hell off.
5. Avril Lavigne – The Best Damn Thing
This bitch makes Miley Cyrus look like Joan Baez. I’m pretty sure she lives at Claire’s Accessories and exclusively eats at Nature’s Table. If Avril leaves her enchanted home at the Toronto Mall, she loses all her special powers!
6. Poison – Poison’d!
Like being at the State Fair, only without the stale cigarette smoke and mild nausea!
7. Foo Fighters – Echoes, Silence, Patience & Grace
The only reason Steve Albini called Smashing Pumpkins the REO Speedwagon of 90s alternative rock is because the Foo Fighters hadn’t become a band yet. How much more generic FM modern rock slurry can these dudes pump out? It’s getting harder and harder to believe Dave Grohl used to be in Nirvana.
8. R.E.M. – R.E.M. Live
How come there’s only like two songs I know on this one? WTF? LOL. No one wants to hear live versions of post-Monster material. You’re lucky the crowd cheered that hard when you started playing “What’s the Frequency, Kenneth?” Stop pushing your luck, fellas.
9. Rob Zombie – Zombie Live
I hate to dog my boy here, but this just seemed extraneous. It’s not like Rob Zombie is all that different live than he is on record. Call me when you bust out the Casio or the mouth harp, bro ham.
10. Rivers Cuomo – Alone: The Home Recordings of Rivers Cuomo
This would seem appropriate if Rivers Cuomo died six years ago. Seeing as he’s still alive and squirming, this ego stroker just reinforces the fact Riv thinks he’s the Brian Wilson / Syd Barrett / Wilhelm Wagner of gooey Generation Y fuzz pop. Too bad his maudlin jams come closer to some Muppety seventies bullshit (I knew there was a reason he was hanging out with Kermit the Frog so much).