Tag Archive | Gumby

To Open Up The Sky’s Veins

If they made a “Freaks & Geeks” style television program about my high school years (1993-97) I’m certain this would be the theme song. It seems to capture whatever that time was about (confusion, apathy, Windows ’95). I’d also find Spacehog’s “In The Meantime” acceptable.

Potential plot lines for this program: getting my very first job at Taco Bell and nearly choking to death during my first shift after accidentally inhaling a straw wrapper; the hellish term I spent in summer school trying to pass algebra; all the bonkers stuff that happened during senior prank week (never-ending fire alarms, live mice dumped on our lunch table, a six foot cardboard cut-out of Gumby burned in effigy); various mortifications in attempted dating.

Oh, and there’s gotta be an episode that covers the shock, the grief, the utter despondence that hit my school the day Oasis cancelled the only show they were playing in the area that year. You would have thought another fucking space shuttle blew up. Oh, Noel!

The Bounty On Gumby’s Head Is $1,000

Stop me if you’ve heard this one before: Man enters San Diego convenience store on Labor Day in Gumby costume, announces it’s a robbery, drops a bunch of loose change all over the place while fumbling for the gun he claims he has, walks out moments later.

It makes sense. Gumby doesn’t even have a penis—why would he have pockets? Note to would-be robbers: when picking a disguise, go with a cartoon character who at least wears pants. Otherwise you’re gonna have to duck tape your piece to your stomach.

The funniest part of this story is the fact that the clerk being robbed had “never even heard of Gumby.” Actually, that might be the scariest part of this story. Gumby’s rather frightening if you don’t know who he is. Just a thin green smiling slab of evil, demanding your money while gazing at you with those giant lidless eyes.

Oh, also check out how the Gumby Bandit busts in to the scene of his failed crime in the video below. It’s a cross between a rapper’s “How You Like Me Now?” pose and the ring entrance of a mid-card WCW wrestler.

How do you like Gumby now?

Seriously though, cops are offering a $1k reward for information that leads to the arrest of Gumby. Didn’t think you’d be reading those words when you woke up this morning, did you?