Tag Archive | Jawas

Get E-xcited For My E-book

A decade ago I wrote a book about Star Wars fandom. It didn’t get published. Now, a thrilling e-book will recount that non-publishing, with large portions of the original manuscript, plus brand new essays reflecting on where you and I and Chewbacca are in this frightening day and age. If you’ve ever wondered about the mechanics of the literary world and what it feels like when you get trapped in the gears, this is the e-book for you. Also, if you’re super into lightsaber construction and ewok mating rituals and junk like that.

Arriving Hanukkah 2015.

The Great Milenko Doesn’t Really Synch Up With Star Wars

If any of Insane Clown Posse’s “joker’s card” albums synch up with the original Mark Hamill Star Wars it isn’t The Great Milenko. I tried doing that yaz the other night (starting the album, as always, after the second drum roll in the 20th Century Fox fanfare) and barely noticed the following:

– the Star Wars logo appears the same time that mysterious organ begins playing in the intro skit

– Alice Cooper’s narration begins as the opening crawl appears

– the opening crawl is fading away at the same moment Alice Cooper warns of the “arrival of the Great Milenko”

– the lyric “broke your neck” is heard in “Hokus Pokus” as Darth Vader is seen choking that rebel soldier on the Tantive IV

– the lyric “might shoot somebody” is heard in “Hokus Pokus” as that jawa shoots R2-D2 on Tatooine

– the lyric “little punk ass” is heard in “How Many Times” at the same moment Luke Skywalker first appears

It was massive stretches of nothing after that. I’m not sure how I kept myself from [INSERT ICP-SPECIFIC FORM OF VIOLENCE].

Fun fact: The Great Milenko was released in 1997, the same year George Lucas debuted his “Special Editions” of the Star Wars trilogy. I’m not sure what’s crazier—rapping clowns from another dimension whose fixations include graphic murder and off-brand soda or “Jedi Rocks.” Did we really need to see Boba Fett gettin’ his swerve on with hot alien chicks?

Other Ridiculous Crap Wookieepedia Taught Me Today


– The Jawa who shot R2-D2 was named Datcha and was apparently well-known throughout the galaxy for “taunting a krayt dragon and living to tell the tale”

– C-3PO once lead a droid rebellion against Boonda the Hutt

– The guy who played Wedge in that once scene gets pissy if you call him “Fake Wedge” even though he willingly admits it was his own fault he got fired

– R2-D2 can breakdance

– Later in life, Zuckuss (the squid-looking mamajama from Empire Strikes Back) was diagnosed with multiple personality disorder

– R5-D4, the droid from the first movie with the bad motivator (who may or may not have been intentionally sabotaged by R2-D2), sometimes went by the name Skippy and may have possessed Jedi powers

Admiral Ackbar eventually had a Star Destroyer named after him

– I don’t know as much about Star Wars as I thought I did

– I need a new job