When reached for comment on Fallon’s rumored promotion, Greene remarked, “You know, this is all Jean Doumanian’s fault. If her version of ‘Saturday Night Live’ had been a success in 1980, Lorne Michaels wouldn’t be “LORNE MICHAELS” inasmuch as NBC probably would have ignored his suggestion to replace Letterman with Conan in ’93.
“Look, I love Conan, but it’s obvious NBC only went with him because he had the ultimate reference. Coco’s not a rabble rouser in the style of the guy he replaced but he’s still not as ‘company’ as Leno. They needed a Leno Junior in there. Instead, they got a Lorne-endorsed headache, one that plagued them through an entire second Bush presidency.
“It’s all ‘SNL 80.’ If Jean Doumanian had made that shit work, check the alternate timeline: Lorne Michaels spends the majority of the 1980s turning Three Amigos! into a trilogy, we get ‘Late Night with Greg Kinnear’ once Letterman bounces, Jay Leno hosts ‘Tonight’ until he drops dead in 2023, and Charles Rocket lives to appear in another Dumb & Dumber movie. It’s sick, it’s twisted, but it’s also probably fact.”
…Check out this collage I made in sixth grade of all my core interests.
There is much to be ashamed of here. Most glaringly, Jay Leno staring out smugly from the lower right hand corner. I think this had more to do with the guy’s Dorito sponsorship than anything else. My late night guy back then was Letterman. Leno didn’t even have a show yet, and he wasn’t really in movies or other TV shows. My line of thinking was probably along the lines of, “That guy likes Doritos, and I like Doritos, so that’s alright.”
Jay Leno was nothing more than an advertising mascot to me, the same as the Noid or Spuds MacKenzie. He wasn’t as accomplished as Bob “Major League” Uecker or Jim Varney, who at the time had three Ernest movies under his belt.
Elsewhere on this nightmarish platter, a teddy bear dressed as Rambo sits next to a football player I cannot for the life of me identify, a Dancing Coke Can sports the “Deal With It” shades, and a Ninja Turtle nightlight lets the audience know I was still afraid of the dark by the time I reached middle school. Thank God I put two slices of pizza on this thing to make up for all that. Also, I like how George Burns is anchoring this entire hot mess. He is Lord over all he sees, and he reigns with a benevolent hand.
I was awarded a B+ for this artistic creation. Right now, I’m giving myself a flat C. A Hershey bar? Guess what, dingus, everyone likes chocolate. You’re not really telling me anything unique about yourself.