Tag Archive | Jim Varney

Speaking Of Depressing Art…

…Check out this collage I made in sixth grade of all my core interests.

There is much to be ashamed of here. Most glaringly, Jay Leno staring out smugly from the lower right hand corner. I think this had more to do with the guy’s Dorito sponsorship than anything else. My late night guy back then was Letterman. Leno didn’t even have a show yet, and he wasn’t really in movies or other TV shows. My line of thinking was probably along the lines of, “That guy likes Doritos, and I like Doritos, so that’s alright.”

Jay Leno was nothing more than an advertising mascot to me, the same as the Noid or Spuds MacKenzie. He wasn’t as accomplished as Bob “Major League” Uecker or Jim Varney, who at the time had three Ernest movies under his belt.

Elsewhere on this nightmarish platter, a teddy bear dressed as Rambo sits next to a football player I cannot for the life of me identify, a Dancing Coke Can sports the “Deal With It” shades, and a Ninja Turtle nightlight lets the audience know I was still afraid of the dark by the time I reached middle school. Thank God I put two slices of pizza on this thing to make up for all that. Also, I like how George Burns is anchoring this entire hot mess. He is Lord over all he sees, and he reigns with a benevolent hand.

I was awarded a B+ for this artistic creation. Right now, I’m giving myself a flat C. A Hershey bar? Guess what, dingus, everyone likes chocolate. You’re not really telling me anything unique about yourself.

Blake Clark Isn’t My Slinky Dog

This guy is.

Y’knowhutimean, Vern?

Crazy-Ass Dream: Ernest Plays Ball

In the dream that besieged me last night, Jim Varney (he of Ernest fame) had a secret past as an ace major league pitcher under the name “McGregor” for the Oakland A’s. This was revealed to me by none other than Tony LaRussa during a private moment in the A’s dugout (I was there to see the baseball jersey that held the Guinness World Record for longest name on the back). For some reason, it was entrusted to me to tell Jim Varney’s long-lost son, who was actually the kid from “Two And A Half Men.”

I get to “Two And A Half Men” kid’s house and briefly talk to him through my car window on his front lawn. It turns out he’s my second cousin, which in turn means I’m somehow related to Jim Varney. We never did figure out why Ernest kept his pitching history secret nor why he chose the pseudonym “McGregor.” It should be noted that in this version of reality, Jim Varney’s coke-related death is a closely guarded secret.

It should also be noted this entire sequence was preceded by a segment where I was trapped in a pool house with Arnold Schwarzenegger (in Terminator garb) as he fended off various evil doers and bad guys.